Tattoos Are Bad Ideas

Tattoos are stupid. My dad has a whole bunch on his arms and they look like shit. Granted, some of them were stick-and-pokes from high school, but even the ones he got later, just look all blurry like prison tats.
You can go on and on about the new ink, and taking good care of your stupid ideas, but you can’t fight age. Your skin ages, that koi fish or whatever other arty piece of crap you got to be “meaningful” is gonna look like a rose tattoo on a Bud-drinking couger’s tit at the bar, no matter what you do.
The best tats are ones that start out kinda old-looking. Sailor Jerry shit is pretty safe, and about as unique as a posse of 20-year girls in head to toe American Apparel. Big cursive writing and stars and such are also pretty decent ways to use the aging thing to your benefit. Not me though, I grew up loving the tanned busted arms of my passive dad’s shitty jail tats. I figure tattoos are bad ideas no matter how you cut it, so here’s a whole bunch of bad ones I’ve had.

My First One.

This is the dumbest one I have. It’s my first boyfriend’s name. Gayest kind of tattoo out there. We were in a competition for lamest anniversary gift. Needless to say, I went too far, thought it would fall out, and am stuck with this piece of fun for life.

Tattoo #2

Let’s get matching. Girls and tattoo’s are usually a really bad idea.
First off, I was so drunk, I could barely see. Second, I roped my friend into getting a matching one, and my buddy who did it was barely alive, we’d pumped so many shots in him to get this done. On the plus, I was smart enough to pick “hand” which was a close second to my first thought, “face”. I’ve had it fixed four times, and it still looks like my crazy bull-dyke girlfriend in the slammer branded me as her bitch.  See the full photo set here.

Engrish tattoos.

My buddy Makoto is a dope tattoo artist in Japan. He barely speaks English, and can’t write it for shit. One night, having beers at his shop, we decide it would be funny if he tattooed something on me, in English, with little direction. Truthfully, I was hoping for a spelling mistake. But fuck, I show him the font and scribble it out, and in under 2 minutes he free hands the most perfect Bruce Springsteen lyrics ever scrawled on hide. Fucking Japanese people, there is just no beating them. After he asked, “what does it say?” to my translating friend. He slathered me in bear oil, didn’t cover it, and it healed in two days without even scabbing. Japan fuck.

Number 4, my first sober thought.

I know it’s not original. In fact if you google image “mustache tattoo” you’ll see tons. But it’s really my fav one still. I mean fuck, no matter how mad someone is at you, all puffy and red and screaming in your face, you throw the mustache tattoo, and they’re done. Disarmed. Again, I roped in two other people that night and they both regret it. Boys will do anything you tell them if you make it sound rough and fun and like they’re total pussies next to you, a fucking girl, if they don’t. Incidentally, the boys’ healed perfect, I had to get mine done a total of three times to get it to stick. Who’s toughest now? FYI–hand tattoos feel like someone is needling fire into fresh road rash on your everywhere. I squeeled like a bitch all three times.

Most Recent Piece Of Total Stupidity.

So my friend Maxx owns a tattoo shop in town called, Pick Your Poison. I wanted a tattoo under my boob so I can’t see at all, and really the only people who will ever gaze upon it are the ones who see me on my back without my shirt on, so barely anyone. In any case, I wanted a stick-and-poke originally. I figure, that’s the worst tattoo you can get. Absolute bottom of the barrel. Kat Von D has got some terrible sick-and-poke’s and check out the Facebook group, Michael Jackson’s Tattoos for two dudes out of Montreal who tattoo their friends for jokes this way. Maxx is not a tattoo artist, and he’s kinda fey. So i asked him if he could do it. He agreed and sorted it out. It’s the worst piece of shit tattoo to date. It says, “more is all you need” from Master Of Puppets and it looks like a down-sydrome kid did it. But hey, that’s what you get for asking a novice with parkinson’s to do your tattoo. (FYI-I lost the original pics and my host server are assholes and erased the photos from this post, so the pic above is recent. i.e. that’s what the tattoo looks like now that I’ve had it fixed. Yup, still shit).

What have I learned? Absolutely zero.

I still can’t wait for a stick-and-poke anchor, a tear on my face, something super hip hop like the nike swoosh, anything on my foot, more finger tats, and maybe when i’m forty, i’ll just bite it and get a rose on my tit or ankle. Bugs Bunny on the other.