Fashion Tips With Jon and Jenny: Dressing for the Holidays

So we know that it is only a few days before Christmas, and while it may be a little bit late to save some of you, we’ve created a guide of things that we love/hate, to help the rest of you during the holiday season.

First off, I think we should address the excessive attraction to shiny things around this time. It’s one thing if you’re doing a whole Lady Gaga realness Christmas thing, but it’s another if you’re a regs mall girl wearing a Fairweather sequin dress from the $9.99 rack with your Aldos. All we’re saying is commit to that shit—don’t go all low budge. Don’t act like you don’t know what we’re talking about, we’ve all made some terrible fashion choices, but really, if you wanna shine this holiday season don’t be just another fug girl in a sea of sequin dresses.

Everyone goes all tranny fierceness during the holidays, but really? Maybe tone it down retire those falsies (eye lashes and cutlets), put away the tran trans, and please unless you’re an actual tranny cool it with the glitter shadow. If you really wanna stand out wear something well tailored and simplified in a jewel tone, and remember accessorizing is a privilege and not a right. Try to stick to a couple of key pieces, instead of decorating yourself like a Christmas tree.

When the Snuggie came out a couple of months ago it was all demystified when we realized that it’s basically just a bath robe worn backwards. But now in this post-Snuggie consumer society that we live in, we’re thinking it’s amazing again, not only for people who are too fucking lazy to put their robes on backwards but also as a recession alt to this whole neo goth thing. Like just look at it, I mean $19.99? Are you fucking kidding me? Belt that shit and its totally a Friday night… shit we just realized it doesn’t come in black, just go back to your cheap reverse robe knock offs. Sorry for wasting your time.

Want to take this look from your couch to the club?  Try a shorter designer style from Henrik Vibskov or Horace, because black is really the only option (God, I wish the Snuggie came in black).

If any non third grade math teachers are even thinking about wearing a festive holiday sweater this year, please stop, especially if you’re thinking about being all clever and doing it in an ironic way. I mean, unless I’m mistaken and its 2003 and we’re living in Williamsburg, nobody gets it—and they sure as hell don’t think it’s cute.  If you’re planning on getting laid on New Year’s don’t even think about wearing this shit on Christmas, you’ll forever be remembered as that overweight alterna first year fashion student who should have known better.

If you are looking for a more casual yet still festive party look, opt for a classic chunky cable knit sweater with a pair of tight pants and killer heels.  Don’t do a comfortable look head to toe, it could end up simply being interpreted as frumpy, and nobody wants to get stuck with the frumpy girl under the mistletoe.

Guys if you’re having a holiday wardrobe malfunction then you must be doing something terribly, terribly wrong. Unlike the ladies, you have way less opportunity to turn yourself into the real nightmare before Christmas. How do you manage to go wrong with pants and a shirt? Guys don’t have half of the trashy, flashy, trannilicious temptations that girls do.  Just remember to stay away from bad holiday ties, joke t-shirts and Christmas socks.

This is really the main set of rules that you need to stick to when planning outfits for the holiday season.

1)      Find clothes that fit.  There are so many guys out there that still wear pants that are too big.  We aren’t saying that you need to go all skinny emo jeans on us, just maybe don’t wear a 38 if you’re really a 32.  Try that shit on before you buy it!

2)      Clean clothes.  Maybe wash your clothes every once and a while, and in the meantime, take a shower. No one wants to be that musky smelling, western shirt guy at the party (don’t make us make another Williamsburg reference!)

3)      Justin Bobby is hot, that’s a fact.  If you are facey enough to do this look, maybe don’t shower.  Maybe don’t shave.  Maybe don’t wash your clothes.  This really depends on your hot factor, based on a ‘1’ to ‘Justin Bobby’ scale.  If you aren’t at least a ‘9’ or a full on ‘JB’, you should probably stick to rule #2.

4)      Make wise accessory choices.  Don’t just start wearing fashion frames out of the blue, people will def call you out on that shit.  And unless hats are part of your signature look, don’t decide to debut your new fedora or pageboy hat at the office holiday party.  If you don’t already own one of these hats, don’t bother making the investment.

5)      Don’t be too pretty.  The whole pseudo-homosexual thing is intriguing, but being metro sexual is just plain gay. If you are thinking about using bronzer or getting more highlights for that special holiday event, you’ve probably gone too far.  Nobody believes that you got that naturally sun kissed look this far north of the equator.

Well, we hope this guide is helpful in getting you through the holiday season.  If you’ve already committed one or more of these offences, it’s not too late to pretend it never happened.  The New Year is a clean slate for everyone!