Ron Jeremy’s secret: Kiss, Pull, Squeeze
Pop quiz: You’re a young lady, at a hotel party, enjoying some beers. Ron Jeremy saunters up to you, grey-black mane dangling like a greasy mop at his shoulders…he caresses your little hand between his two beefy paws and requests, like a gentleman, if he can go down on you. What do you say? TOO LATE. He already made you explode like a chinese water fountain. Just from being there. Just with those two stoney eyes locked into your own, in those two seconds between “Hello” and “I’m Ron.”
How does he do it? Men have always wondered how this super-average guy managed to get a Guinness World Record for doing the most porn stars, ever. It’s a mystery. Correction. It used to be. But I discovered the secret.
And that’s about the best – or only – insight I got out of the Hedgehog, during the worst interview I ever did. It’s not all my fault though – one of the guys at Street Carnage, this guy, fucked me and told me to ask Ron about the concept of ‘the Other’…and to tell him some guy said hi. Which I did. I didn’t realize it was all part of some elaborate plot to make me look like an idiot.
The only thing you’ll find interesting is at the end, when Ron gives away that secret to making girls explode in two seconds without taking their pants off.
I just want to say: Ron Jeremy was an alright guy. He played the harmonica really, really well, and he was insanely horny all night long. Which is crazy because you’d think he’d be sick of it by now.