Malibu By U: Draw Your Own Boobs & Guns

Despite the fact that it gets its name from the wrong side of Mexico, Malibu Rum hails from Barbados and stinks of straight-up leisure (plus 21% alcohol). Like so many morning-after Facebook photos, each bottle is a testament to all of your best and most rampantly drunken Caribbean memories, such as:

• Barfing into a steel drum;
• Barfing through a ghost pirate;
• Barfing a mélange of rum and jerk chicken onto a voodoo priest named Shango-Shango Motumbe at a Bob Marley festival.

Fortunately, Malibu has come up with a way for you to crudely document all of these precious moments through its newest venture, Malibu By U. Like a Dunny filled with booze, each limited edition, customizable bottle comes with four markers for you to scrawl dudes’ phone numbers with and/or draw funny pictures of cocks – right onto the container!

Above: Drawing inspiration through marginally tropical-themed items: miscellaneous brand coconut chocolate bars, pineapple soda, banana-flavoured milk, Barack Obama-flavoured cola – plus a tiki mug in which to mix all of them to your stomach’s discontent.

As both an illustrator and a drunk, I decided to take my bottle out for a spin on the streets of T.O. to see what kind of reaction I could get. First, the decoration: as a Pink Mafia blogger, the most obvious motifs had to be the elegant double-whammy of boobs and guns.

Above: My masterful artwork has elevated this mere bottle into an object worthy of being buried with my corpse. Happy grave digging, alcoholics of the future!

Above: It’s easy to enjoy phallic objects on their own, but the added benefit of drunk-making contents and a bunch of markers pretty much nullifies any need I might have ever had for men.

After such a perfect (and apparently personally erotic) execution, it’s time to suit up and take Malibu by Diana outdoors.

Above: Posing for various photos with my new best friend Senor Malibu, looking handsome in his G.I. Joe finery.

Unexpectedly, my waving around a gigantic bottle of alcohol early on a Saturday morning seemed to garner attention. Observe:

Above: Because it’s neither yoga, Sex and the City or Joe Fresh, these suburban moms seemed initially unimpressed, albeit mildly curious.

Above: Luckily, these generically handsome young men were far more receptive. Malibu: a hot tip for picking up inoffensive dudes (and their ‘hot tips’)!

Above: Although his body language might say ‘wary’,  even our furry friends in the animal kingdom are inevitably drawn to the liquid sunshine liquor that is Malibu. Later we got trashed on the stuff and spent the next three days eating Purina nachos in the basement of his mom’s dog house.

Wow, what a ride! Like me, you too can have zany adventures with alcohol by heading down to your local LCBO and customizing your own Malibu By U. Of course, whatever you do will never be as incomparably zany as this appearance by Leonard Nimoy on the 1967 variety show Malibu U.