DÉCLASSÉ-FIED Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

MTV Movie Awards edition; The Jersey Shore takes over, Sandra Bullock seduces Scarlett Johansson, Tom Cruise dances, and Twilight proves eternal.

Sunday night were the something-annual MTV Movie Awards; infamous for the scandalous antics which occur during the live broadcast. Host Aziz Ansari did a decent job wrangling the shrieking fankids’ attention spans into focus while the golden popcorn statuettes were handed out. Although this year proved rather tame, the censorship department were most likely suffering a stroke every time someone deposited change into the swear jar, failing to bleep more than a few f*cking f*cks — this witnessed by nearly one million Canadian viewers, the show’s largest audience ever.

The evening began with an hour Jersey Shore pre-show, with LMFAO “Djing” the red carpet party, amidst arrival interviews and outfit inspections. We learned that JS’s J-WOWW is launching a glamourous clothing line called Filthy Couture, and that Snooki skanked up her Dolce & Gabbana dress by cutting off the entire bottom half. This seems sacrilegious on very many levels.

I want to know if this whole Jersey Shore culture has been embraced or if the entire world still laughing at these jokes behind their tanned backs? Are they completely oblivious to this mockery? Because I don’t imagine anyone worshiping the ground Snooki passes out on. Unless, of course, said worshiper has extremely low self esteem and hair spray-clouded judgment. It’s kind of like a Paris Hilton thing, but I’ve come to embrace Paris as a functioning member of life via her non-fluorescent skin tone and decent fashion sense.

I’m so over laughing at theses tools’ ridiculousness because the attention they garner goes straight to their heads (not minds). Especially over this shirtless situation. Not that I was ever under it.

This just in! I take back what I said up there about being over Whoresey Shore, as I just caught a shot of Mike “The Situation’s” blue velour Ed Hardy logo track pants hanging out the side of an Escalade. This courtesy of a sneak-peek we got of season 2 of our beloved reality program. The first 10 minutes of season deux premiered Sunday night during the live MTV red carpet broadcast with the cast in tow. This time around, the heard is road tripping down to Miami and causing destruction along the way. I’ve always thought that Vinny seems like the only potentially respectable suitor in the bunch. Also, Angelina is back, so really excited for some ball-busting. Other tidbits to look forward to: Pauly D thinks all Miami beaches are topless, Snooki has a life-changing experience discovering fried pickles in Hickville, and The Situation still looks 40.

The awards “ceremony” started off with your average annual film nominee scene parodies, featuring Aziz Ansari. He opened the show with a short and sweet stand up speech, questioning the legitimacy of 3D films, and, of course, Twilight.

The first award went to Kristen Stewart — whom I actually do not mind. Those who ponder how she survives the actressing industry being so “awkward”, wondering if she has some sort of chemical imbalance causing frequent trip ups, always fumbling and mumbling, need to know that not everyone injects themselves with bubblegum and fake cheer. However, I do despise the entire Twilight phenomenon (but so does K-Stew). Allegedly. I say allegedly because it’s probably wishful thinking. Kristen and “hunkorwhatever” Robert Pattinson also won for Best Kiss. Here they are, attempting to reenact said “best kiss”.

Check out Russell Brand and Jonah Hill on the audience Kiss Cam. There was a similar occurrence at a Lakers-Celtics game recently, when two of my favorite men (Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman) decided to mack up on one another.

Here’s the dude from The Hangover performing an interpretive dance with Ed Helms on piano, straight from the movie. Ken Jeong picked up an awards for Best WTF Moment. Deserved.

Tom Cruise caused quite a stir with his ingenious Tropic Thunder character reenactment of ferocious producer Less Grossman. Tom invaded the stage as fictional Less, breaking it down with Jennifer Lopez to Ludacris‘ Get Back. There were suspenders and gyrations. Ying Yang Twins Larry King vs. Lady Gaga would be proud.

Best Scared-As Sh*t Performance award went to Amanda Seyfried for Jennifer’s Body – another under appreciated something I like, contrary to the judgements of society. I actually enjoyed this curious gem of a film. It’s not that it’s misunderstood, but probably just generally bad. It was full of metaphors for the plagues of girlhood and lame computer-generated gore, and I enjoyed it to its fullest potential. So, congrats, Amanda. (Who noted the film’s low viewership during the acceptance speech.)

Katy Perry performed her new single California Gurls with Snoop Doggy-Dogg. She was channeling 50s California beach chic with a hint of jewel-studded superhero robot, descending from the rafters atop a vintage surf board. We got a preview of Katy’s new video which is full of visual deliciousness, slightly resembling 2006′s sweets-themed Fergalicious. Just saying.

To a storm of applause, Sandra Bullock was honoured with the MTV Generation Award. Betty White, Bradley Cooper, and Scarlett Johansson proudly presented her with the award. And it wouldn’t be MTV without some girl-on-girl; Sandra kissed Scarlett in honour of her Best Kiss nomination with Scarlett’s absent husband Ryan Reynolds. Via her speech, Sandra has officially given us permission to resume making fun of her – not that there is much to roast her with. Sandra is a true example of elegance and class in Hollywood, and deserves all the praise and appreciation she already receives.

Christina Aguilera was the second musical performance. Stop comparing new Xtina to Lady f*cking Gaga. Why don’t you just skip a generation and call her Madonna, while analyzing Gag-factor along the way? It would make just as much sense.

This is Aziz accepting Zach Galifianakis‘s Best Comedic Performance award as fictional Taavan – stylist to the stars.

World-wide sensation Twilight picked up for best movie, of course. Fangirls and vampires and werewolves, oh my!

Full list of 2010 MTV Movie Awards winners:

Best Fight: Beyonce Knowles vs. Ali Larter (Obsessed)
Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart (The Twilight Saga: New Moon)
Best Breakout Star: Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air)
Best Scared-AS-Sh*t Performance: Amanda Seyfried (Jennifer’s Body)
Best Kiss: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (The Twilight Saga: New Moon)
MTV Generation Aaward: Sandra Bullock
Best WTF Moment: Ken Jeong (The Hangover)
Best Villain: Tom Felton (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
Best Badass Star: Rain
Best Male Performance: Robert Pattinson (The Twilight Saga: New Moon)
Global Superstar: Robert Pattinson
Best Comedic Performance: Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover)
Best Movie: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

(Images via MTV.com)

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And now, in Canadaland news, A MuchMusic Video Awards update: Drake and Hedley have been added to the list of performers, which already includes Katy Perry, Bieber, Ke$ha, Glambert, Down With Webster, Marianas Trench, and 2010 co-host Miley Cyrus. Something for fangirls of every demographic.

Pop culture column, DECLASSE, appears every Tuesday on Knee Socks Beat Cleavage