DÉCLASSÉ-FIED Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

This week, in ridiculousness: Jodie Foster vs. teenager, loco Lohans, Sarah Palin, more Bieber, Miley vs. Perez Hilton; life fail, and I’ll be at the MMVAs.

Best. Story. Ever. Jodie Foster has been accused of assaulting a 17 year old boy at The Grove. Apparently, some kid accosted her as she was leaving the theatre with her kids, trying to get a photo and autograph, and dun dun dun…..that’s when Foster struck. According to the teenager’s father, “She came after him, poked him in the chest and said, ‘Do you even have a mother you slime ball?’” Totally visualizing this alleged scenario. Jodie Foster’s victim’s parental unit claims his kid was a huge fan. I’m calling bullshit. A teenage boy is a Jodie Foster fan? I was a Jodie Foster fan as a 7 year old girl idolizing her bell-bottom wearing 70′s on-screen rebellion.

A police report was filed with Jodie’s first name spelled incorrectly, information that would have been supplied by said “victim”. Way to be a fan. She fired back saying the punk was a paparazzi, with the kid’s father calling it a ridiculous statement, that he just has a “nice camera”. Seeing as this traumatic Academy Award-winning assault occurred in the parking lot of a public place, one would think a simple conclusion to this misdemeanor would be watching the security video, right? Well, the particular incident’s monitoring tape has mysteriously disappeared. And so the plot thickens! I will be following this story as the poking accusation develops.

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The Lindsay Lohan saga continues. I could care less, but my easily unimpressed monotone inner voice is being trampled by the amazingly frivolous antics of LL, so much so that the need for over-sharing becomes quite necessary, causing an equally ironic tiresome essay about the daily struggles of Lindsay Lohan. So, in the past week, Lindsay has set off her alcohol-monitoring SCRAM bracelet (which she contemplated decorating with Chanel something or other, and yes, that is forbidden), denied violating the SCRAM rules, partied at celebrity crack den Chateau Marmont as per usual, got another bench warrant for said violation, dropped 10K for the slip-up even though it was someone else’s drink that trickled down her spray-tanned leg, and finally, was dropped by her assistant. What a dizzying monsoon of erratic unimportance. It’s a hard-knock life, Gingy.

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In other superfluous Lohan news…

I hope you’ve booked your seat on the Hampton Jitney because a new club is about to open up. Brought to you by father-of-the-year Michael Lohan, the new ho-down hotspot is to be called Controversy. Moment of eye-rolling for that gem, please. The Lohans are quite the entrepreneurial fame-whoring Brady Bunch, with ML wanting his son to help manage the joint. I do not wish to acknowledge the existence of this hole any further.

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Sarah Palin has been hit with the boob job accusation. Her denial: “’No, I have not had implants. A report like that is about as real and truthful as reports that [my husband] Todd and I are divorcing or that I bought a place in the Hamptons or that [my son] Trigg is not my own child,” the former governor of Alaska, 46, told the host after being questioned point-blank.” To me, that all seems plausible. Especially the Hamptons hang out. In close proximity to Controversy, no doubt. But fake tits might distract during hunting season, so I’m going to go with obvious lame rumour on this one. Albeit a hilariously amazing one.

Above, the white crew neck that began the distorted right-wing hullabaloo.

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Lady Gaga‘s newest musical short film for single Alejandro just premiered. It is basically Lady Gaga as some robotic world leader-ice queen goddess with unlimited access to peroxide, being stifled in a Siberian nunnery and corrupting its overly sexually expressive in-patients. Anyway, it’s loaded with bowl cuts. Martina Dragonette totally did that ‘do first. This pertains to you too, Rihanna.

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Justin Bieber. Frolicking in the Bahamas during a photoshoot with Kim Kardashian. One must be careful if planning to spend time with Justin. A while back, Biebs jokingly Twittered that Kim was his girlfriend and she was immediately inundated with @’d death threats from insane Bieb-a-holics. This 16 year old is such a little player. He hits on any and all female interviewers. Keep holding on, tween dreamers. Everyone loves a restraining order.

Portia and Ellen 2.0

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A rough situation with a rap demo. That is all.

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Check out Miley Sluts-R-US making me proud, performing at London’s club GAY.

Kidding. I’m sure she’s still wholesome. But Perez Hilton is in trouble for posting a full-on crotch shot of Miley Cyrus, blasting the link on his Twitter. It has since been removed, but the photo showed Miley in a car with her vagina hanging out. This is being considered child porn distribution, as Miley is only 17. Fake or not, I’m hoping for serious legal backlash concerning Perez aka Mario Lavandeira. As much as respect as can be given for creating an empire out of nothing, PH uses his mediocre influence to exploit and bully. Bottom line, he is a douche bag. That’s it.

Regardless, both Perez and our princess of conservativeness will be attenting this Sunday’s MuchMusic Video Awards, and yours truly will be backstage observing the hectic shuffles and frantic flusters of stressed publicists, getting stuck in a high-traffic hallway between a wall and Kim Kardashian’s ass (true story). She won’t be present, but I can’t f*cking wait to get style tips from Snooki. Debauchery tends to develop up in Toronto, so stay tuned. Remember 2009?

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I will be out and about all weekend, prowling for scandal and pussy punches outside of after-parties. Of which, there are many, when every mediocre celebretard and their illegitimate career takes on vodka-induced hosting duties. Follow @pinkmafia4life for real-time updates from the streets of shame. Unless I involuntarily die of Bieber Fever. It’s possible.