DÉCLASSÉ-FIED: Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Twilight fever challenges sanity, The Black Eyed Peas will forever be around, Amanda Bynes makes news for the first time in “?”, Chris Brown cries, Gossip Girl’s Little J has a band, and a few visual highlights of ridiculousness.

Grab your waterproof mascara and graphic tees from Zellers, because Twilight fandemonium has officially been reignited, via the release of yet another installment to the series which causes so much heartache and concerned parental units. Unless, of course, you’re the proud daughter (or sometimes son?) of a patented Twi-Mom. Fankids. Shanty towns. Twilight premier. All of these things are exactly like the other. Welcome to the wonderful world of the Twilight saga. A land where no one grows old, a fantasy dreamville of raging hormones and mass accumulation of lost, confused souls.

The Twilight: Eclipse premiere was held Thursday in Los Angeles, and fangirls were out in full force, coming prepared, armed with tents, coolers, and shamelessness. An extensive makeshift campground was set up on the pavement outside the Nokia Theater, 4 days prior to the event. I would really, really, really like to get inside the heads of these tweens. Not just Twi-hards, but the Bieb-a-holics, as well. Is this entire generation completely certifiably insane? Or is it like a Josie and the Pussycats brainwashing sort of thing? Oh my God, the government  is controlling the minds of today’s youth with metaphorical characters injected with seductive charm and pale skin due to lack of personality and functionality sans attention.

Meanwhile, in real life (that’s the parallel universe in which your precious Robert Pattinson resides); Rob and Kristen Stewart continue to remain calm and composed during these baby-riots, somewhat unaffected (or deaf) from the daily shrieks they must endure. I still think they’re each other’s beard. Also, they seem like those somewhat nerdy, unpopular kids in high school who get thrust into the spotlight and forced popularity due to sudden recognition outside the realms of suburban culture. They’re super cool, but they can’t really comprehend as to why. And, in that, their cool points rise (as former Queen Bees stand huddled in a circle, silently scheming their demise). Taylor Lautner can play the role of the younger brother who becomes effortlessly attractive overnight – for an underager. And just for the record, I’m Team Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

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Breaking news! The Black Eyed Peas are splitting up for the hundredth time since before they were born. Just kidding. The ever-so reliable RadarOnline just reported that BEP have fallen victim to ego-maniacal rumblings and personality clashes, specifically Fergie vs. Will.I.Am. I don’t know who verifies these mysterious “sources” tabloids seems to fall indebted to, but I can tell you this little tidbit of nonsense is completely false. How dare someone mess with the hearts of rabid BEP fan-children? This type of fan may seem less-enthused than the Twilight breed, but trust, they are fully emotionally invested. Case in a point, a BlackEyedPeas.com user with erratic input. (Don’t ask me why I have access to this.) Earthquakes, tornados, flooding, and riots. Then The Peas will split and the world will come to an abrupt end.

Anyway, my sources, as well as Will’s Twitter (who needs a publicist), have confirmed that everything is fine in camp BEP. Still, The Black Eyed Peas remain a staple of the rumour sewing circle, having to deny multiple break-ups throughout the tears (that was supposed to be “years”, but gossip blogs are fueled by crying fans, you know). Also, LEAVE FERGIE ALONE! She’s not pregnant, she’s not fat, don’t perpetuate infidelity rumours, don’t be an mindless moron. Don’t provoke me to make a video blog.

Here are my darlings, very much together at Sunday’s BET Awards. (Even though, I’ve been informed, Will had previously been banned from attending the award show a few years back, for undisclosed reasons. Scandalous!)

The Black Eyed Peas are currently in the middle of the second leg of their The E.N.D. tour, which includes two back-to-back shows in Toronto July 27th & 28th. They promise to turn stadium venues into one huge club party. Check that out.

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I’m sure you’ve all seen or heard about Chris Brown‘s little episode at the BET Awards, but to sum up: After a lovely tribute to Michael Jackson, Chris broke down and simply could not get through the final moments of his performance. Don’t they rehearse these shows for days beforehand? I’m leaning toward the side of skepticism and calling out unnecessary dramatics. “Look, I can cry too! I’m emotional and sensitive. I am hurting, love me! P.S. I have a new record out.”* What…a tool. In the eyes of the majority of the public, Chris Brown will forever be pegged a woman-beater . That’s the consequential reality. Even if one chooses to overlook the “incident” with Rihanna, you can’t deny that that f*ckery will be the first thing coming to mind. Chris Brown’s past will haunt him forever. In the media, at least.

* (Not actual quote, obviously)

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Amanda Bynes has announced her retirement over Twitter, after 24 years of apparent slave-itude. She doesn’t “love” acting anymore. That’s it. Again, no publicist required. Are you going to miss Amanda’s overly-expressive faces and obnoxious characters? She started young. Check out this uber-annoying-yet-totally-adorable-because-she’s-ten video of Bynes doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory.

And here’s a stalky photo of Amanda from a 2006 Black Eyed Peas afterparty, grinding with some  dude while in Toronto filming Hairspray. The guestlist was obviously super exclusive. Just a fun fact to add to this somewhat irrelevant retirement news. She’s the man!

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This leaning tower of skeezy is brought to you by Black Bloc latex. It’s probably wrong to laugh-out-loud at someone’s bruised-knee, but Gags was finally brought down by her plastic ego, aka Lady Gaga falls. In the words of my quotable mother, “She’s so gross!”.

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It’s Alt-Miley, Taylor Momsen! She’s definitely going for a Cherie Currie (The Runaways) kind of thing, and I approve. Corset and amazing stockings aside, I think Taylor is a lot less provocative than Miley Cyrus, who writhes around the stage like a woman selling herself in a brothel. This 16-year-old encapsulates the shock-value without coming off overly skanky — which is what The Runaways were about in the 1970′s. Throw in a guitar and it works.

Check out this video by Taylor’s band The Pretty Reckless. Thoughts? She’s totally living out my own personal rockstar-image fantasy.

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Joey Tribbiani is all grown up! Matt LeBlanc‘s big night out.

(Image via TabloidProdigy)

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Maury. I watch this sh*t when I’m feeling down about myself and contemplating the current status of my life. Then I realize I can’t relate to Maury’s topics and everything seems clear. Nothing brings me up like knowing I veered down the correct path by not getting pregnant in elementary school. [Tip: Try watching this with the limited-edition vuvuzla-your-video soccer ball button option. It's just fun for everyone in your immediate vicinity and will drown out the shame you feel while listening to Misguided Youth #1 brag about rolling in pacifier options.] NECKTITUDE!

I truly thought the last girl featured was a parody. On the contrary, a parody of herself. Check out this Stevie Ryan‘s high-larious reenactment of said potential tween mom.

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Speaking of questionable life choices, my advice to children directly parallels that of Eminem‘s, specifically numbers 4 through 1. Keep it real.

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