DÉCLASSÉ-FIED: Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Googly Gaga, Lindsay won’t be needing a manicure in prison, Clyde, himself, and Clyde himself, and inappropriate behaviour  involving a festive special. These are the days of our lives.

I am horrified at the number of Lady Gaga replicas I encountered on the streets this weekend, inevitably headed to one of her two shows in Toronto at the ACC. There were little Gag-lettes of every possible version of the “pop princess” roaming about, distracting the normal touristy-types from the commuters also caught in the hustle and bustle. Follow the trail of glitter and diamond shards of left-over thinking-for-ones-self and you may find an impressionable girl with anime eyes. Yes, the very same (but not really) as those seen in Gaga’s video for Bad Romance. Apparently there is some sort of Gag-spawned trend to stick cheap giant eyeball-effect contacts onto your eyes in order to achieve that creepy, computer-generated look of the Lady’s. Girls are getting eye infections because of this quest for originality by imitating someone who imitates others. According to CBS News, the “trend” originated in South Korea, and is actually illegal in Americanland. Figures.

I’m sure the Hello Kitty brand “circle lens” contact lenses bought online in wholesale used in this tutorial are completely medically tested and approved. Now, if only I could implant a computer generator to transform my face in day-to-day life. I would be a kindergarten craft project circa 2010.

Side note: I just Googled “Lady Gaga imitators” and photo results of Peaches appeared. No. Just…no.

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Lindsay Lohan has an awesome manicure (“F*CK U” uncensored, naturally). Is sentenced to 90 days in prison. Cries. But here’s the REAL story (via Fox News): “Lesbian Prison Gangs Waiting to Get Hands on Lindsay Lohan, Inmate Says”.  Oh, my God. “Tamara Haley, 38, is doing time for heroin possession and prostitution. She said Monday: “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan.” Obviously, Lindsay will be “segregated from the general population, but where she’s going it is even worse. It’s the wing where the murderers are.” Oh, perfect. “I don’t think they will actually be able to get to her, but you never know. At the very least some of those hard cases will try to scare her. They’ll scream stuff to her from their cells.” Are you also shuffling all sorts of mental images within your mind? Little Parent Trap-Lohan, huddling in a cold corner in an orange jumpsuit that does nothing for her ginger complexion, while angry ball-cutter-off-ers make obscene gestures. She’s going to come out of there all hardened and tough, with a tear-drop tattoo and soap-carving skills. Who’s the bi/utch now, Sam Ronson?

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You may have heard of this kid via his Facebook fan page – Colton Harris Moore. A 19-year-old American fugitive, infamous for assorted burglary, as well as stealing cars and even planes. The FBI has been chasing him for 2 years, after escpaing from juvy and slyly evading authorities . They finally caught up with him in Bahamas, after a high-speed boat chase. Nick-named “The Barefoot Bandit”, he was shackled and escorted (sans shoes) to be held in a Bahamian prison where he pled guilty to charges of illegally landing/crashing a plane on the island. He’s been sentenced to three months in jail or a $300 dollar fine – which doesn’t account for the multiple burglaries he’s wanted for in the United States. (The Vancouver Sun). This kid is a modern-day outlaw. He outsmarted the FBI at age 17, and managed to steal more than one plane? It’s an art which he claims to have learned from video games – flying, that is. I’m sure virtual theft-simulation has nothing to do with his mad skills. In other news, I just got ahold of an Xbox console. Beware.

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Roman Polanski is free! The film director had been recently charged for having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl in 1977, when he was 44. For the past 9 months, the now 77-year-old Polanski has been on house arrest in a Swiss chalet. May I suggest he be transferred to THIS Swiss Chalet? At least they have cranberry sauce. All sorts of Stockholm Syndrome going on here. Or as the mainstream like to call it: Creepy girl and…dad?

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P.S. — Happy Birthday to my Twittering buddy, Courtney Love. She turned 46 on Friday. Rock on!

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