Canada, Eh? Mmmhmm: Hair Cuttery and Teenage Fantasy

Tales of a Canuck in Southern Virginia…

Words by Kim Cuachon-Haugh

Page 29 of my program book

A recent minor league baseball game in Norfolk, led me to page 29 of the $5 dollar program book that I found on the floor.  This time I actually read through the collection of ads primarily to learn a smidge more about this wonderful city that I live in.  Back to page 29, which contained a half-page ad for an exclusively male salon called Knockouts.  How cleaver!  It indicated, a list of services to include: “haircuts, massage, coloring, manicure, pedicure, waxing, shoe shine, free frosty beverage, sports on TV.”  At the very top of the list was this: “attractive & professional stylists” and of course there was a case and point example of some blond-haired bimbo in the ad.  Okay, she may not be a bimbo, after all, she’s a Knockout girl; she cuts hair, right?

I can totally picture it now, Knockouts is the ultimate male escape.  It is testosterone driven where the penis and the brain are no longer required to work together.  The brain is being hit left, right, and center with ESPN, not to mention a pretty gnarly brain freeze from the “free frosty beverage” and the penis—well it’s probably saluting the navy veteran that conceptualized and owns the business (yes, which was indicated in the ad too).

Now, I’m not reaming these people out because I’m some hippy woman who refuses to wear a bra and wear make-up.  I love how my bustier makes my breast look and I think a little rouge never hurt anyone.  But is it really necessary to use “attractive stylists” as a selling point?  The concept is great on its own without having to feed into one’s pervy teenage fantasy of getting off on a pretty girl running her fingers through your hair.  It really is like soft porn on a Sunday.

While I’m sure the place doesn’t resemble anything near the Playboy mansion (this area just isn’t that classy) where the stylists have their sheers hanging from their g-string the picture that this ad paints in its 7 ½” by 5” space is pure Tigerism (complements of Tiger Woods).  How comfortable would you be if your man went into a place like this?  A place that grunts, “Look at the ass on her”?  Or “Look at them titties”?  Really, that is the right that men reserve coming into such an establishment.  The sad thing is, around these parts, we’re okay with it!  The ad is in a baseball program that is distributed to thousands—men, women, and kids (future dirty ol’ men and Knockout girls).  All I can say is if a man is desperate enough to buy into this crap because he hasn’t been more than a foot close to a real vagina, be sure to wipe the seatie sweetie for any potential bodily fluids.