Sex Etiquette…The Jump Off Code of Conduct

During a recent conversation with one of my most favourite people, the subject of ideal jump off behaviour was raised. Not rules per se, because the nature of the jump off relationship kind of precludes the right to tell people what to do, but more of a voluntary code of conduct that jump offs who are serious about their craft would adhere to. I looked around and it seemed no such thing exists, so as usual I have to come to save the day with the international Jump Off Code of Conduct. This applies to both genders (yes men you can be jump offs too) and should be

1. Sleeping arrangements

Unless expressly invited to do so, you must not ever attempt to sleep over. You are entitled to 30 minutes of post-coital rest before you must get up and get the eff out my house (especially long or especially acrobatic performances may be awarded 60 minutes of rest). An attempt to extend this post-coital rest period without the proper authorization is an actionable offense punishable by a kick in the seeds suspension of thronx privileges.

2. Be happy

At no point should I ever have to witness the effects of any of the stressors in your life. If we are not in a relationship, your work, life, family, and health problems are of little interest to me. Please do not arrive at my house in a bad mood or attempt to fill me in on the latest argument you’ve had with your child’s mother or father. Your sole purpose in my life is to oil my parts and your petty travails will only dry them up. Please paste a smile on your face or get the fcuk out.

3. Come prepared

Although I own and may provide if I’m feeling generous items such as lube, butt plugs, condoms, cock rings, and sex toys, please make sure you are fully stocked in the items you need to facilitate your own enjoyment. As none of the above-mentioned items are free, I’m disinclined to waste them on a mere jump off and would likely prefer to save them for someone a little higher on the evolutionary scale than you.

4. Bring the dirty

Again, your whole purpose as it relates to my life is to get my rocks off. And while softly caressing my face while staring lovingly into my eyes is a beautiful idea in theory, I didn’t ask you for all that. If you’re not talking a little bit of dirty or getting at least a little bit rowdy then you have failed at your task. I can have gentle, quiet sex with someone who actually means something to me. You’re supposed to give me the stuff my main piece won’t.

5. Respect my home

If you are lucky enough to be allowed into the bat cave, please try to have some behaviour during your stay. Do not come in my home and rearrange shit, change the channel on my television, or critique the songs on my playlist. And under no circumstances should you be washing any of your below-the-waist parts in my sink. Warm towels will be provided after the act of coitus is complete; any additional cleanup required is your problem.

6. Stay in your lane

As my jump off, you play a very special role in my life. It’s key to my sanity and sunny disposition. It’s so important that I do not want you to step outside of it for one instant and would really appreciate it if you did not attempt to do so. Therefore do not try to be seen in public with me, or ask me to accompany you to gatherings of your friends or family. Under absolutely no circumstances will we hold hands. In addition, please do not attempt to ingratiate yourself by asking questions about my life other than where do you want it, how do you want it, is that good or can I do it again. By the same token, please also do not try to “help” me by offering opinions about my life. If your opinion mattered to me at all you probably would not be on jump off status.

I really think that if all jump offs just adhered to these guidelines everyone’s sex life would be a better place.

What do you guys think? What behaviour will you not accept from your casual sex partners? Speak on it in the comments.