Fashion Victim: Puffers.

What. the. hell. was. that.

Now that we all begin to thaw and our lips stop chattering at the very thought of going outside, let’s stop for a moment and reflect on the myriad ways we tried to not freeze so far this winter.

Womp womp.

It’s interesting, actually. After theorizing Canadian Girl Syndrome for years I happened across an important discovery: it works in reverse, too. (Canadian Girl Syndrome, if you’re wondering, is the premature reappropriation of summer attire. You know, the girls wearing sweat skirts (barf), bare legs and Uggs the first time it stops being freezing in, like, March.)

I musn’t've been the only person to notice the early proliferation of Canada Goose parkas (unzipped, mind you) that started cropping up around, oh, I don’t know, November first. Admittedly, whatever temperature it was then, it must have felt positively balmy in comparison to -50. Gee, thanks Mother Nature!

But still, how do we feel about these? I completely understand utility. I know people who have lived in their parkas throughout our multiple freak blizzards and harrowingly low temperatures. But I remain rooted in my conviction that we look like a city of Michelin (Wo)men walking around. No matter how many others may contend differently. Not only are they the new ‘hip,’ uniquely Canadiana-branded garb, they’re popular all over the interwebz and the southern half of the continent. Whether you’re wearing a sleeping bag or something with faux fur, it’s true:  the right coat will even bring out the beauty in every woman.

Ok, hyperbole aside. Pros: I feel as though I’m constantly scolding people for dressing appropriately, and frankly, there are loads of times when the only (weather) appropriate thing to wear are your staple Sorrel’s and an anorak. But there’s a huge difference between retaining warm-weather satorial dignity and, well… not.

Cute. And cool. I mean not cool. I mean warm. And then, not cool.

SJP, come on girl. Even Regina couldn’t really get away with it, yet you’ve compounded the awful.

Yet, what are our other options? Our staple TNA had a paucity of down-filled warm coats to choose from, which was a bummer. True story, too, that what they did have looked better (and warmer) in Canada Goose. (Mind you, they did stock this coat—legit cashmere? yes please!—and if my closet weren’t overflowing with coats I would have loved to give it a good home.)

Not a smart look, girls.

While I personally prefer the bag-lady, wear-every-warm-layer-you-own look, I recognize that this can be a bit cumbersome for a lot of people. It’s not really practical unless you don’t do much more outdoor activity besides standing to wait for the bus, and then walking to class, and then standing and waiting for the bus, and then standing and waiting for the bus, or even standing and waiting for the streetcar.

But, seriously here, there are lots of creative ways to style being frozen. Military coats allow you to bulk up with sweaters and things underneath—good for staying warm when you’re out, good for de-layering when you move inside. Despite anything disparaging I may have said about wool coats, they’re still practical and warm (and only a little boring, sometimes). And if you dare to brave the sidewalks in fur, at least I don’t think an activist will spray you with red paint anymore. One would hope.

As usual, however, too much of a decent thing has this weird way of turning into a “thing.” A brief ‘this is why we can’t have nice (warm) things’ nod before I admit to myself that the flurry of down-filled puffer coats has inevitably lead to such fashion traumas as (natch) doggie-puffers (whyyyy…) and the mental resurrection of that sorriest of down-filled disasters, the puffy vest.

Oh dear goodness why.

So let this be due warning, ladies. While we all go relish this comparative heat-wave and frolic in the sun, the next burst of Arctic-ity is just around the corner. I know it sucks, but I’m confident that we can get through these next few months but the winter only seems endless. Plus, it’s not like we didn’t know it was coming. Which leaves you with no excuse to bemoan poor winter-wear. Sometimes you need function over fashion. But there’s no need to walk around looking like Keanu.