Sex Etiquette…Make Your Hand Job Great

A while back I schooled the men on how to properly finger a woman. In that post many of the ladies expressed their love for manual stimulation and bemoaned the fact that men were not giving it the proper attention.

But ladies, it seems that was a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Because word on the street is that far too many of you don’t know and don’t care to give a proper hand job. Now I know it doesn’t seem like there’s much point to it. I know that if there is a job to be done most of us would prefer it to be of the blow variety. But in order to be great at anything in life we must first master the fundamentals. You can’t be a great diver if you can’t swim, you can’t be a great blogger if you can’t spell, and you can’t be a great fuck if you can’t give a good hand job.

Plus there are some circumstances in life in which a hand job works better than a blow job. I mean, I love giving head as much as the next girl but I’m not slobbing anyone’s knob in the movie theatre, you know? But I’ll yank the shit out of your chain in there.

A wise man once told me that the reason I hate doing squats and lunges is that they are hard and I am not good at them. And I have a feeling that the same principles apply here. I have a feeling that one of the reasons women don’t like to give a man a yank is that they really don’t know how to do anything but grab and tug and that doesn’t do anything for anyone.

So allow me, my dear readers, to share with you my tips for how to turn a hand job into a life-giving experience. Don’t ask me where I learned this shit but trust me – this will transform your hand jobs from an exercise in chafing and wrist ache to an “oh my God where the fuck did you learn that?” type of situation.

Just remember to tell them #MaxieTaughtMe

1. A crash course in cock

To give a great hand job, you have to understand the anatomy of dick. Each part of it has its own distinct personality and you have to learn how to work with it.

The base of the dick is a soldier, it can take a lot of pressure so don’t be afraid of it, but make sure you lube it up first.

The underside of the dick is where it’s at – the erectile tissue is right under the skin there which makes it super sensitive so make sure you give it some quality attention.

The coronal ridge (where dick and head meet) is also very sensitive. Give it some quality time

The frenulum is the little band of tissue on the underside just beneath the head. If the head of the penis is the money spot, this is a close second.

The balls. We here at max-logic.com believe in balls. Never ignore the balls.

2. Grease it up

If you’re gonna give a lube-free hand job you might as well take a piece of sandpaper to the dick and then delete your number from his phone – the end result will be the same.

3. Effleurage

In the world of massage technique, effleurage is a stroke that is used to warm up the muscles before you begin to stimulate them. It’s also used as a transition from one technique to another, and to relax muscles after stimulation. In the world of hand jobs, the effleurage is your basic stroke. Start at the bottom, stroke up, give a little twist at the coronal ridge, and slide back down. You know – the only move you’ve been doing when you’ve been giving hand jobs thus far, right? Whatever other techniques you use – and there are a shit-tonne of them on the internets for you to peruse – periodically come back to the effleurage to speed things up or slow them down.

5. You have two hands, so use two hands

When you’re doing your effleurage, turn your non-dominant hand into a cock ring – grip the base of the cock between your thumb and index finger (kind of like making an okay sign). This intensifies things by trapping blood in the dick.

Also remember that there is no law that states you may only stroke dick with one hand at a time. Your stroke up, twist, and stroke down move works just as well – if not better if you do it with both hands at the same time. Put it to you like this – the more of his dick you’re touching at any one time, the better. Lube up, interlace your fingers and wrap them around the dick, and get to stroking.

And as a lover of the balls, I also encourage you to stroke or gently squeeze his balls with one hand while you’re stroking the shaft.

6. Pulsing, tapping, flipping, and open palms

We all know that dicks enjoy tight grips, but that doesn’t mean you have to be squeezing it for dear life the entire time. Mix up your closed-grip stroking by rubbing your open palm up along that oh-so-sensitive underside, then over the head before closing your grip on your downstroke.

Variety is the spice of hand jobs, so while you shouldn’t be switching wildly from one technique to another, you also shouldn’t be performing the same move over and over ad ejaculation. Even something as simple as changing your grip can provide a new set of sensations for your friend. So instead of continually stroking with your hand upright, turn it upside down and stroke that way.

Now remember how I told you that the coronal ridge and the frenulum are sensitive spots that like special attention? Pause at the top of your stroke to squeeze the coronal ridge or tap the frenulum before continuing on.

7. Props and surprises

If you really want to give your man a jolt, pressing a vibrating toy to the base of the dick or the perineum (that’s the taint for you uncouth folks) while continuing your strokes can also enhance the experience for him. If your batteries are dead, wrapping a strand of beads or a silk scarf around your hand and then stroking also provides a whole new set of sensations.

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you can try slipping a well-lubed finger into the stink. I strongly advise you to get the appropriate security clearance before attempting such a move – I’ve already told you guys that unauthorized rear entry is grounds for dismissal and a lifetime ban from the premises.

8. Be a vagina

The goal of the hand job is to be so great that if your man was blindfolded he wouldn’t be able to tell if it was your mouth, hands, or pussy enclosing him so nicely. So what you want to do is emulate the vagina. In the immortal words of my unofficial sex guru, the vagina is tight but it’s slippery and it gives way. So don’t think of yourself as giving him a hand job, think of it as recreating your pussy with your hands.

And of course, as with any other sex act, make it look good (i.e. be naked) and be enthusiastic.

And there you have it – my tips for making your hand job great. But what say you guys? Do you give hand jobs or did you stop doing that when your cherry popped? Ladies do you have any tips for giving a good hand job? Men are you even interested in getting a good hand job or would you rather just get head? Share with me in the comments.