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28 Mar 2011

Fashion Victim: Shrugs

Fashion Victim: Shrugs

I have a problem with having a commitment problem. It’s one of my many problems, along with indecisiveness, irritability, infallibility, and a raging coffee addiction. My problem with having a commitment problem is not that I have a commitment problem, but that I hate people who can’t commit to something. If you’ve been screwing your woman (or man) for so long you’ve got a toothbrush, some slippers, and a secondary wardrobe at their place, you’re no longer just screwing.  If you whine about how you didn’t snag that kicky thrifted shift dress that fit like a glove, etc etc, you didn’t deserve it. If you need to wear something long-sleeved but a sweater is too much work, you’re a moron.


What’s the deal with these shrug things? According to the internet, the only time one would ever wear a bolero or a shrug is over a floofy white wedding dress. It’s an entire class of bizarro proportions that simply needn’t exist, much less in white, floral, frilly, (fluffy?) versions.

I can’t really see the particular appeal of wanting maximum coverage up top for something that covers minimally down below. It’s kind of like the shooties-revenge—like you’re trying desperately to figure out ‘transitional dressing’ but just can’t seem to grasp that winter and summer are two distinct season with two distinct weather-patterns.

From what I’ve gathered, it seems that these are a popular option amongst brides (as mentioned), and middle-aged crochet-ers. What we’re dealing with here is a unit of fashion that exists exclusively as a cover-up, an auxiliary for when the clothes you’re wearing don’t do a good enough job keeping you in.

And if I have to hear one more woman complaining about her ‘problem arms’ I may go through the roof. But how does it make sense to cover up where you feel bulkiest by layering on more fabric bulk? These things are the sartorial equivalent of shoulder pads.

But really, I thought we left all of our embellished-silver-billowing-sleeved-macramé disasters back in Walmart in the mid-nineties. Yet for all the floral and Doc Martens out there it just can’t be that somewhere, some club-goer is pulling this out of her closet and going “mmhmmm, that’s exactly what I need to be wearing tonight!”

I can’t tell if the nincompoops who are legitimately proposing these to be ‘the great little piece to throw on over your party dress’ are being serious. Maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that’s the problem. I mean, Jerry’s shrugs were always the punchline, right?


About the Author


i read a lot of books. you probably shouldn't take me shopping. i tweet useless observations @_arriving.



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