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21 May 2011

Entertaining Under The Influence…May 24

Entertaining Under The Influence…May 24

Is anyone else annoyed that the US has jumped on the British Monarchy love wagon? . Did everyone forget that they told the the Brits to gtfo in 1774? We’ve been showing love for the Queen for forever, in the most exemplary way, by getting trashed in late May and setting off explosives. And that’s why we’re talking drinks. Big girl drinks. None of this white zinfandel or watermelon coolers sheet. The only person that is allowed to drink coolers is my sinsei, sinsei Terry and that’s because he’s a badass mawfuggah from Erin, Ontario.


The toughest choice with choosing your drink is finding one that fits your mood, Cosmo probably has a quiz for this, but mine is (probably) better. Remember it is equally important that you don’t gag or get hit by a flaming schoolhouse.  So choose your poison:

Are you planning on sitting on a lawn/park greens/somewhere else green and watch fireworks once the sun finally goes down at 10pm? Will you be laughing knowingly as hicks fall down and rolling your eyes as toddlers scream to go home?

Drink: cheap beer and possibly a flask of whiskey

Will you be attending a waspy family gathering where 15 different people will ask you the same, exact question 15 different times? Do you have to be secret drunk and not embarrass your family?

Drink: Wine. Never let you glass get empty, then no one can count. Unless they watch the bottle (s)

Will you be “going out” as in to a bar not just leaving the house? Will you be showing more than a little of one or more of the following: boobs, leg, backboob?

Drink: Vodka. Or gin. If you’re 80. Tequila shots if you want to wake up vomit-glued to the toilet seat with one arm through your tights.

Are you not doing anything? Are you really sad about it?

Drink: all the alcohol

Are you not doing anything? Are you stoked?

Drink: All the alcohol


If all else fails here’s a three ingredient drink recipe. It’s shockingly good, especially if you find all drink mixes nasty and synthetic like I do .  Bonus points if  you can pretend it’s healthy by using grapefruit juice and soda water instead of grapefruit soda.

The “White Trash” Margarita

3 oz tequila
1 oz grapefruit soda
½ fresh-squeezed lime

Again, this recipe is all about your personal preference; use whatever tequila you like. If using a premium tequila, one that really should be tasted, lay off on the soda and mix primarily with the lime. Something Jose Cuervo or below, add a little more soda pop.  However, if there’s a close-by Mexican market, look for the Jarritos Toronja. That’s the real thing and will definitely get you noticed at the party. Whatever you do, don’t use Fresca. It may be advertised as grapefruit, but the odd synthetic taste won’t mix well with the tequila.



About the Author


I wax hilarity at @laurenmcgoon



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