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12 Sep 2011

Guess Who’s Back? Fashion Victim: Kim Kard-Humphries-ian’s Kordial, Klassy Nuptials

Guess Who’s Back? Fashion Victim: Kim Kard-Humphries-ian’s Kordial, Klassy Nuptials

Hey—hey, pssst, hey guys! Did you all hear? Appparently, apparently there’s this awful family who’s prone to nausea-inducing alliteration. I don’t know, I haven’t heard of them. But apparently, apparently they have a litter of daughters, or something? And I guess, maybe one of them got married? I don’t know, I haven’t heard much about it. Do you guys know who this bitch is?

Apparently I’ve been living under a rock.

Naturally, I couldn’t've enjoyed my early retirement from celebrity-hunting and sartorial-sighting for long enough before this monumental monstrosity (several MILLION DOLLAR monumental monstrosity, nontheless) happened—without at least significantly batting a few eyelashes. And while we won’t know for sure what happened ’til the filmic evidence is released (in two parts!) on the small screen, there’s been enough People-ized coverage to last us gossip-mongers a few months (until, say, October 9th, that is.)

No, but seriously. I love me a good wedding (and look forward to congratulating two of my favourite ladies as they waltz down the aisles of their choosing in the next month!) but even I got sick of the tireless teasers and incessant detail-releases that seemed to gush out of this family of bozos prior to their August 20th big day. I mean, come on. One Kardashian sister already milked our Vera-Wang-custom-dress interest for the decade, did she not? And not only that, but she managed to fete HER love for HER NBA player in only one dress. (Cue shock-and-awe—no, it can’t be! In only ONE several-thousand-dollar dress?!!) Not to mention that all the media-baiting preamble was minimized to a mere week. Khloe Odom, consider yourself the wedding-winner.

I guess Kim had a lot of live up to. Not only is she the spoiled-brat par excellence of this family (seriously, you’d think she was an only child the way she was pandered to) (and also, WTF are you doing wearing $75 000 earrings on vacation?!), but she had to deliver on a lavish-enough ceremony that would make us all forget that time her sister married someone after knowing them for only a month. Kim, afterall, had a whole SIX months. During which time you would think that she’d actually find a dress that fit her this time.

So—did she deliver?

Natch. Costing an estimated ten million bones (most of which was likely comp’d, and the rest she made back because people eat their shit up) the whole world knew that Kim would have to keep it klassy. (I’ve been waiting for weeks to use that line). Not, of course, that she necessarily KOULD (being a Kardashian), but I’ll leave that up to you.

Submitted for your perusal, the ultra-limited, super exclusive wedding invite—coming in at a mere $10 000 (of which the bride paid zip).

While it’s a no-brainer that this whole family is preposterously in love with their own initials (anyone else get the feeling that Kris Humphries was a guaranteed shoo-in as soon as everyone realized that a) his name starts—OMG!—with a K!!! and b) that he shares his name with the Kardashian matriarch?—sidebar, gross), even I was a bit alarmed that this goddamn monogram was FUCKING EVERYWHERE? (And it will be actually everywhere—their interim love-nest-cum-$7000-a-night-hotel-suite will be totally dedecked in it. Barf.) It reminds me of super-klassy hotel wallpaper—you know, the shitty baroque brocade stuff that looked real nice the first time you saw it but made you want to gouge your eyeballs out when it popped up in everything from hoodies to kitchen-sinks to teenaged girls’ diaries? Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably the PERFECT symbol for the similarly obsessively prevalent Kardashian.

Whatever. One might, if viewing the invitation alone, surmise that the whole affair would have the same level of sophistication as a black tie affair—the couple, afterall, demanded that their guests adhere to strict black-and-white dresscode. Even the bridesmaids and the mother-of-the-bride. (Can I just say that calling Kris Jenner a MOB is just about the best thing ever?)

Someone should tell the she-Kris that her bow is about to eat her. It’s seriously as big as her daughter’s ass. You can almost see it from space. (You can see it from the paparazzi helicopter at least.)

I guess the controversy (controversy?) over the bridesmaid wearing white is kind of over (that ‘other’ wedding is soooo five months ago!), but then again, do you blame them (at least, did you not see it coming?) that these fame-whores would try to piggy-back off of what is arguable the most tasteful and understated (yet undeniably lavish!) wedding?

All this is to (once again) proving that anything LiLo approaches ultimately turns into a flaming pile of shit. In other, less (or equally un-)suprising LiLo news, the girl was a trashbag at the reception. How could she not be.

But the up-staging didn’t end there. Whereas one princess (ok, fine, duchess) only had TWO dresses (both by Sarah Burton), Kim reputedly couldn’t choose between THREE (all by Vera Wang). So she had them ALL. And at least one of them was worth $25 000. (Beware: there is much scrolling and fuggery below!)

Number one:

Number two:

Number three:

Hell. You could have three whole weddings for the cost of one of her dresses. Not to mention another three for the cost of her ten-tier wedding cake. This thing was almost as tall as the new Mr. Kardashian (né Humphries).

Oh Kim. Wouldn’t you manage to be the only person who could make a wedding cake look like a sex toy. And, to add insult to injury, that black-and-white frosted phallus ended up in the trash.

Which, needless to say, is just about what everyone predicts will happen to this made-for-TV marriage.

About the Author


i read a lot of books. you probably shouldn't take me shopping. i tweet useless observations @_arriving.



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