EyeSore Movie Pics for November 19

GETEVEN (aka Road to Revenge)

So, you’ve probably heard of The Room (if not, then check your pulse), self proclaimed “auteur” Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus that plays like an SCTV riff on daytime soaps. Well, he’s not the only humorously untalented hack to write, direct and star in his own self-aggrandizing piece of crap.

Enter John De Hart: writer, director, producer… and he wrote and performed all the music and songs!!

Plot… yes, there is a plot… something about corrupt judges and a clan of Satan worshiping kidnappers… or something like that… but that’s neither hear nor there. What is important is that Mr. De Hart somehow managed to wrangle (or coerce) Wings Hauser (venerable 80′s B-grade action stalwart – VICE SQUAD, STREET ASYLUM) and William Smith (this guys been in everything!!!) into “acting” in his film!! Apparently, in this instance, “acting means drinking heavily and then rolling the camera.

But it’s the songs that make this such a memorably bad film. Highlights include the “shimmy-shake”, De Hart’s take on the “Achy-breaky” line dance hit from years ago, and the Endless Love inspired ballad, that accompanies the intimate scenes, that De Hart performs as a duet with his equally tonally challenged female co-star. There is nothing ironic about the enjoyment to be gleaned from such “diamonds in the rough”, bad films are as equally important do the enjoyment of the medium as the “good” ones.

- Daniel Hanna

PLAGUE TOWN

Now this is a shitty movie; and not in the sense of so shitty it’s good, but more like it’s so shitty it’s completely shit. Ok, I may be overstating things but the truth is that, even though Plague Town has a couple of OK moments, at the end the feel of having watched a incredibly mediocre film is unwatchable.

So about the story, well… i can imagine there was a lot of that in the mind of the creators but as far as the plot is concerned there is some kind of plague, maybe related to the devil, that fucks up little children and then become ugly evil playful things, keen on beating helpless women, too dumb to get up and run, with plastic wheels and branches. Something apparently goes bad and now they are trying to fix the “disease” using healthy foreigners. I think. One of the main problems of Plague Town is that it pretends to have some sort of mystery but this is never clearly layout and even less competently resolved.

So what about fun? Well, we have some gory moments here and there and an admittedly pretty creepy scene with the woman on the cover of the DVD case, but besides the amusement of ridiculously retarded kills and the lamest dysfunctional family ever, the pleasures of this horror film championed by Fangoria are almost non-existent. Meaning that is not even amusing to make fun of it while watching. Don’t be fooled by the pretty cool trailer (Which i saw 4 years ago and still was in my mind. Yes I’m a trailer whore.) this one is just bad.

- Daniel Montiel

SHARKS IN VENICE

There are bad movies, there are shitty movies and then there is Sharks In Venice, a movie so amazingly awful that it transcends all classification! A movie so schizophrenic that you are never sure exactly what kind of movie you are watching at any given moment! …and, in true B-Movie tradition, the box art is so completely misleading that you want to feel disappointed… but the movie is so full of outrageous cliche, that you can’t help but feel like you just discovered a winning lottery ticket in the trash!!!

You sit yourself down to see a giant shark gobbling gondolas and instead you are transported to ultra low budget b-movie hell! When a movie stars Stephen Baldwin, you know that you are in for it!!! …but, instead, you get far more than you ever bargained for!!

Here, in point form, are some of the treats that await you:

sharks
scuba diving
action scientists
sunken treasure
evil mafia don
dead father/avenging son
smug police
more sharks
templar knights
blackmail