BATTLESHIP ft. Rihanna

Battleship is pretty much everything you want (read: I want) in a summer blockbuster: Rihanna, aliens, OK CGI, cheesy dialogue, summer tan sweat, a reunion of Friday Night Lights, & Rihanna.  Before we get into the complexities of this film, let me just briefly let know what it’s about: The film opens with NASA sending a signal through deep space to let Planet-G (an Earth-like planet far far away) know about us, all the meanwhile some nerd is saying “THis ISss A BAdd IdeA”. Cut to > Taylor Kitsch and Alexander Skarsgard; they are in a lifelong relationship, and even though they truely love each other, Taylor can’t seem to get things together, so to get him on the right track Alex recruits him to the navy where they can be together 4ever. Taylor has a big ego so he needs a beard…it’s Brooklyn Dekker. She adds big tits and blonde hair to Battleship..Oh and she’s Liam Neeson’s daughter (He’s the Admiral) . Anyways, the NASA signal makes connect and 5 alien ships head towards Earth to scout our planet and eventually try and signal back to the homeland to let them know that they can come on over and take over.

This is where we get into Hasbro game territory. Taylor commands a Destroyer, and with the help of a token Asian, they devise a plan to see the ships (because radar is down) and with precise accuracy and timing they start to own the waters.  The way they incorporated the use of the game was done seeminglessly.  OBVIOUSLY they would use the buoys as beacons to sense the waves therefore be able to tell just how far those damn aliens were.  GENIUS. Also the missiles/bombs the alien bros use on the humans are the same as the the pegs you would use to sink a battleship at home.

Obviously Rihanna is the stand out character in this movie. Her lines are just as poetic as her songs, and she was blazed out the entire time filming, giving her character just enough edginess to really enforce her personal brand IRL. Rihanna comes out guns blazing with her first line “”What’s wrong with you, drama queen?” letting the audience know she means business and she’s not taking this over-paid job in Hawaii lightly. Just how hard did RiRi have to work to get her lines p e r f e c t? Check out every line she so beautifully Britney breathed out.

Ok so RiRi isn’t the only thing that makes Battleship.  The next best thing is the semi reunion of Friday Night Lights alum. We got Peter Berg (creator of FNL) directing, and Taylor Kitsch (Riggins) & Jesse Plemons (Landry) acting their hearts out. Landry is still Landry, kinda dumb, totally nervous and a lil scared, and Riggins brooding around never learning his lessons until he has to finally man up. DAMN this movie would have been so fun to be a part of. “Hey you guys all wanna come to Hawaii for a month, get overpaid, smoke weed and chill with Rihanna?”
“Um..D U H.”

Battleship was nothing but fun.  There were no expectations what so ever for this film. It came. It raved. It made millions of dollars. LOL smart, and good investment Universal. If you come out of Battleship pissed about the acting or the dialogue, then you clearly were too dumb to realize exactly what you were walking into.
PS. Rihanna sings but doesn’t sing a little. “We Found Love”??