Entertaining Under the Influence: Dorm Kitchen Edition

A month after I turned 18, I moved to Montreal into what was quite possibly the shittiest dorm room ever. It fit two beds, foot to foot, 2 desks and 2 dressers. My roommate and I were polar opposites and didn’t want to wake up staring into each others eyes, so I made my room even smaller by cutting it in half.

Ignore my menacing laugh of freedom and cliche 18-year old Zeppelin poster (but seriously you can see Robert Plant’s whole package, yowza). That chair is where my desk started. I couldn’t get into my closet because the bed was in the way. It sucked. PLUS our “kitchen” was a toaster, microwave, and a coffeemaker. At my school I was forced to have a meal plan- coutresy of the number one prison catering service in England. Ask me why I hated rez again? Dorms and shitty tiny apartments suck, but you can Tim Gunn make it work and actually eat like a human being and not gain 15 pounds (but probably will gain 5 in alcohol gut alone, sorry).

Stock your fridge.
If you don’t have one, get one. Or you’ll hate yourself. And hate warm beer. ALWAYS have some kind of milk, some kind of snackable fruit or vegetable, and Ketchup. You’ll need it.

“Pantry”
I kept my olive oil and vinegar on the shelf above my sweaters. Maybe some cereal or Vega protein, some kind of nut mix. That is the shit you need. Ramen, potatoes, and cheap carbs are your friends right now. Also, salt and pepper. That shit can become near extinct in a dorm.

Eat like a human
I know you got so drunk last night. Blackout drunk. But eat some cereal. Eat your meals, however many you eat a day. Aim for 5 servings of fruits and vegetables. Whether you’re in an apartment for residence. Just do it, ok.

Impress people.
Apparently there are tons of foods you can make in a coffeemaker. I distinctly remember going to make tea and finding the kettle full of noodles. I guess they couldn’t figure out how to get the water out or what goes first. Nasty. Here are quick things that you can make. Microwave anything but if you have a stove or hotplate, you are the king.

Toaster Grilled Cheese
Steal 2 pieces of bread. put cheese in the middle. squish it. squish it more. turn your toaster sideways and set on high (this is a courtesy thing, don’t leave your nasty cheese in the toaster, butthead). Butter it after, or just be less fat.

Put That Shit On Everything Aioli
Get some mayonnaise. Put it in one of the 3 bowls your mom bought you from Ikea, grate in garlic or chop it. One clove max. Grate in lemon rind. Salt. Pepper. Dip pizza, dip French fries, put it in a sandwich, put it in soup. That is class.

Ramen Cacio e Pepe
I think you could do this in the microwave no problem. And if you’re 35 and married this is still delicious. David Chang is a space alien from planet mouthgasm. also if you are poor you can cut the cheese in half and it’s still pretty good.

Ingredients
2 cups water
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 cups pecorino Romano cheese
some freshly ground black pepper
2 packages instant ramen (save the seasoning packets for another time)

What To Do
1. First combine water, butter, oil, and a healthy dose of fresh black pepper in a saucepan over medium heat. Bring it all to a boil.

2. Stir it up. Reduce heat so the mixture simmers quickly and steadily. Stir in the cheese. You can use chopsticks to stir.

3. Immediately add the noodle bricks and keep stirring so the cheese doesn’t clump up.

4. Agitate the noodles, or use a spoon to baste them with the liquid until they’ve started to separate. Once that’s happened, begin stirring them constantly. If it looks like there’s way more liquid than the noodles will absorb, pour some out.

5. After 3 1/2 to 4 minutes, the noodles should be loose and rehydrated and look tasty. Most of the liquid should be gone.

6. Split the noodles between two bowls. Grind a bunch more black pepper over each bowl, and maybe a little more cheese. Eat fast – this dish doesn’t improve with age.

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