Reporting from tour on a bus with ten people living in close proximity to each other, I have concluded, along with the only other female aboard, that the experience is a lot like camping. Without the wilderness.

Ottawa was the first show. Oh Ottawa, I don’t know what it is about you… we didn’t see any fights – this time. We saw a bird eat some vomit though, which nearly made me do the same. Show was fun. We played with Doll and, of course, reunited with our tour/label mates Die Mannequin. And it was Tony’s birthday!

Dearly Beloved is writing a tour diary exclusively for Pink Mafia chronicling their long cross-Canada journey with fellow label members Die Mannequin. Make sure to catch them in Toronto on June 15th for NXNE at the Mod Club Theatre @ 8pm and Velvet Underground @ 11 pm.

It took us a long time to get to Jakarta. Mostly because we thought it would be “fun” to take the boat/bus/plane route instead of just a couple planes. Good thing Sam got a 12 hour stomach bug just as we departed Koh Samui. Made the whole trip all the sexier.

From Phuket, we flew to Jakarta and spent a day with my friends from back in the Myspace days, Kiki and Onnie (actually it could have been Friendster, but we were all hesitant to date ourselves too much). They took us around Jakarta, to a great resto and the old part of town before we had to hop a flight to Bali. Jakarta is lovely; a bit like LA with all the driving and the shit transit system, but there really is tons of stuff to do. I felt like I could spend a week before I’d get bored enough to try something new.

The day we broke the cleanse on Koh Samui was the same day we booked it out of there on a boat bound for Koh Tao, which is the much smaller island north of Koh Phangan (the party island) which is next to Koh Samui (look at a map if that doesn’t make sense). It took us about an hour and a half to get there, and the boat ride was lovely. Under the advice of Fun Bobby, we didn’t book a place in advance, but just showed up, walked to the left along the path at the main beach and found a spot to stay for next to nothing.

Here’s the thing about Thailand so far: if you pay what’s considered a lot of money, you get a place with a cold shower and a non-functional toilet and maybe an air conditioner. If you get a shitty bungalow, you pay nothing and get a cold shower, a non-functional toilet and a fan. We chose the fan.

Week two on Koh Samui and I don’t even know where to begin.
We discovered this delicious veggie/raw restaurant at a detox resort and after a week of menus riddled with burgers and fries, Thai food packed with MSG, and more summer fair/ball game/King St. tourist fare than you can shake a stick at, we practically made out with the waiters when we sat down and opened the menu. And, get this, at home it would have easily been $100 meal we got for less than $15 Canadian. So we ate three meals a day at the Spa Resort before deciding to just book in for a 5 day juice cleanse.
For the low low price of about $500 Canadian, we got 5 nights accommodation, daily massage, steam room, yoga and meditation, plus all the organic juice, broth and fruit you can cosume.
Our friend Fun Bobby came to visit after months of consuming nothing but buckets at parties all through South East Asia. I forgot to mention to him, of course, that the week was going to include two self-administered colema’s (Bobby’s demonstration below) as part of the detox.

Here’s what I thought about Thailand before I came: that it was really really cheap, i.e cheaper than south America, that it was stunningly beautiful, and that it was a lot like the three trips i’ve taken to Japan but with more beaches.

Here’s what I’ve found so far: Thailand is EXACTLY like Mexico. It’s very very touristy, but there are lovely parts if you work really fucking hard to get off the beaten path, it’s cheaper than home, but not as inexpensive as people pretend it is, at least not for the quality (get what I’m saying here), and it’s very pretty if you can somehow tune out the poverty, the prostitution and the garbage.

It has occurred to me, now that I’m in Koh Samui, swathed in humidity, spicy food and mosquitos that a blog post on packing might be a little date, but it deserves it’s chance in the sun for sure.

So many people just don’t know what the hell they’re doing when they pack. What do you need three pairs of heels for on vacation? There is a real art form to packing light, and like many skills, it take a life time to perfect. Hell, even as I write this, I’m questioning whether or not I should have brought that ONE hoody, even though I know I’ll need it on the plane right home. And i’m pretty sure I brought too much underwear, which is a tough call when you’re still back in long johns land and can barely wrap your head around the concept of “bikini day and night”.

Lesley and I had 2 days off (what a way to start a tour) since we last touched base.  Poor Lesley’s been suffering from a cold.  I’ve spent those days up to my eyes in meetings.  And when I wasn’t in meetings, I was collecting parking tickets.  Blonde hair doesn’t seem to get me out of those.

This was the groovy ride I was given to accomplish my tasks.  It’s what would happen if a smart car and a mini cooper had baby.

The last few dates have been quite uneventful as far as touring goes, and especially for a Blondes tour.  I even contemplated eating some chicken wings listed on the menu after our gig at Fanshawe College – 6 suicide wings and if you could eat them all, you’d get your photo on the wall.  Didn’t do it.  I’m blonde, not crazy.

Unfortunately, due to unforeseeable circumstances beyond our control, our Windsor show was cancelled at the last minute.  And so, with nothing but an extra 12 hours of time on our hands, we spent the night in a movie theater with another favorite blonde, Ryan Gosling.

On our way to London (Ontario…people keep asking me when I got to the UK, so I feel I need to start making the geographical location a lot clearer), Lesley and I decided it was time for this tour to have a theme song.  You’ll need to stay tuned (ha – no pun intended) for that future hit song written on the 401.

Tomorrow is our last show, and then back to the left coast I go.  It’s been a blast, to say the least.  Time flies when you’re having fun and since blondes DO have more fun, it’s been double speed .

It felt a little Cannonball Run to tell you the truth. Betti Forde and I got on a plane in Toronto, bound for Vancouver, Jubilee, Kenzie Clarke and Mama Miche (Bitchin’) caught a flight from Calgary, and B.Traits was already in Van City having flown home a day early after the Banff show. We all met up at 9:30AM, a little groggy, a little banged up, but happy to see each other and get the last leg underway.

VANCOUVER

So we got into Van mad early and checked into our hotel, then went straight for Pho, which is the new A&W on this tour, then break for nap times (well, I went for an epic 10K run along the sea wall, which was so absolutely beautiful, I’d rank it up there with a single surprise orgasm in terms of awesome-ness). By 6:30PM, we were at Fortune setting up and loving their Halloween decor, zombie Biggie and Tupac anyone?

Then it was off to dinner with Red Bull’s Kenny Mac, who took the motely crew of loud ass women to some Cambodian spot that sounded like Poon Pen. Best chicken wings and soft shell crab ever. At dinner, Kate from Stinkmitt joined us. She regaled us all with witty one liners like “My womb is a tomb” and “if they peaches are ripe, I say pick” in reference to wearing the same undies two days a in a row. Also, Kate and Maren sang a lovely cover of “Last night a DJ saved my life” that went like this: “Last night a BJ saved my life…” And Kenny Mac snagged it as his ring tone. Since those girls can really sing, the whole restaurant heard. It was just another classy moment on Get Er Done.

At the show, Stinkmitt performed, which was nice. Also, I got a boner for a Karaoke room ON SITE at the club!

It wasn’t mad full but damn that sound system is lovely. Oh and Kate got caught on video stealing our rider. The girls were mad at first, but it’s kinda funny now isn’t it? Check the vid for yourself below.

Kate an hour before the crime was committed

WHISTLER

On Friday we enjoyed a rare moment called “late checkout” and were on the road by 1PM towards Whistler. Six of us piled into one room since we had no intention of actually staying the night, having to drive to Nelson 10 hours the next day anyway. Being that it was Halloween, we got in the spirit and got our costuming on. Jubilee and B.Traits were Wayne + Garth, and Bitchin’ recycled some dope Gnome costumes from Shambhala. Betti Forde was Ke$ha in another bad ass onsie (her closet is like one endless onsie train; the ride gets better the longer you stay on it), and I was a Tweety Bird (again cause my fucking Shocker costume got stuck in the States since the people at BuyCostumes.com have never rerouted a package and have shit for brains and sent it to my HOME ADDRESS in Toronto. Assholes). But I don’t have pictures of us, cause that’s just how the cookie crumbled.

NELSON

By 4am we were strapped into a car with a sober Mama Miche at the helm and flying towards Nelson. Not gonna lie, that drive was a bit rough considering I got deep into the Burt Reynolds hole with Dom the manager at Garfinkels the night before. Sobering up in a car is lovely. Just lovely.

We made it to the Hume Hotel, which is where Spirit Bar is located and after getting a good dose of Oso Negro, we passed out for a solid 4 hour nap.

The party in Nelson went off like a crack whore with a fresh welfare cheque. I gotta say, the whore quotient was pretty low in Nelson, which was really refreshing. It was almost like a Jim Henson movie, with people break dancing and flipping around on the dance floor and furniture. Costume wise, we had a Hamburgler (Jubilee), Unicorn Trainer (Mama Miche), Bunny (Kenzie Clarke), a Kingu Flying Bat (B.traits) and I was Prince. Yes, the purple one. Highlight: B.Trait’s dad came dressed as a younger version of himself and her mom stayed right to the end (she’s from Nelson originally).

Awesome Nelson Ladies!

After switching up the lineup and bringing Bitchin’ into the game, the ladies touched down in Winterpeg on Thursday afternoon in rapid succession. Mama Miche and Jubilee from Calgary, Kenzie Clarke from Victoria, and Roxy Cottontail fresh off of a rest in Toronto. We must not have read the fine print on the itinerary, because apparently battling the lady at the Hertz counter with the T-Rex arms was first on the list of to-do’s. Once we had sorted out a snazzy red Mazda 6 (with enough trunk room for the luggage of 4 women…you do the math) we were able to navigate ourselves into downtown Winnipeg and the suite hotel rooms waiting for us. Miche checked in the group and we were happy to discover that we each had our own bed…..well, that we each had our own THREE beds, kitchenette, dining room, and living room area. BAM! Depending on how you looked at it, it could have been a good thing or a bad thing….Good for having room to let your suitcase explode in girlish fashion, and have your choice of sleeping arrangements, bad in that it made for a harder job covering the surface area looking under each of the beds and in the closets before you went to sleep.

The Soundcheck at the venue for the evening, The Pyramid Cabaret, was about as nice a surprise as our life saving Pho at a Vietnamese Restaurant in Saskatoon. The sound was money. When we headed out for dinner and found that we were going to be sharing the Thursday night crowd with another night hosted by new friends and Winnipeg/Guelph DJ heroes, Brock Goldngrams and Tim Co-op, we were a little worried. Turns out that Thursday was not our lucky strike, but we got to have some serious bonding with opening DJ, and all around rad chick, DJ Sw@t, got to meet Andy Samberg (or a reasonable facsimile), got to play “Name what that dude smells like”, and got to DJ some bumping tunes for those lucky kids who came to check us out. Roxy definitely got us through the night, playing some crazy ripping bass lines that kept them on the floor till 2:30. We kept our party super tight due to the impending 800km drive between Saskatoon and Winnipeg that we were to tackle in the am, but did manage to have one of the shots that was dubbed by Mama Miche especially for the tour: The Hand Job, or, Jamieson’s shaken on ice.

We were up early enough to take Roxy to Tim Hortons for her virgin run…..A coffee, some Canadian lingo, and a breakfast sanny saw her totally sorted and understanding why some Canadians need their Timmy’s like some people need crack. We piled in the car and headed out onto the plains, our new mascot, Sparkle-Eh the unicorn, seated comfortably on the dashboard. After falling in love with a wicked Baltimore DJ mix, Portage of the Prairies and their weird bikes, and the fact that we had discovered The Nothing from The Neverending Story, we were off and driving that Mazda 6 like a G6.

Putting autopilot on and resigning ourselves to the fact that we were in for an approx 10 hr drive we hit that highway like a bunch of pros. 7.5 hours motherfuckers. Saskatoon was waiting for us, and we were excited to all be there to play at Scratch (a personal favourite venue in Canada and home to the best host ever, Neil Malik.) Neil fed us amazing Indian tapas and the Gaff warmed up the room with his serious skills. When we hit the decks, a Red Bull fridge filled with Heineken, Red Bull, and a bottle of the Silent Bird (grey goose), had magically made its way onto the stage behind us…so we invented another tour drink :The Finger Bang….Vodka, Red Bull, and soda. Very interesting to request one of those from whoever is on making drinks duty…especially in a crowded and loud club…oh, and btw, we totally rocked Saskatoon…

Bitchin’ on opening with some Nu Disco jams, Roxy on second playing her “best set!”,(INSERT PICTURE 5 HERE) and Jubilee getting into it with her signature bass. The end of the night had Jubilee and Mama being a bunch of pot-heads as an homage to our friend DJ Ayres, many grammatically erroneous Twitter posts, and some attempts to cover INXS’s “I need you tonight” with a beer bottle ‘jug band’ accompaniment.

The first word out of everyone’s mouths the next morning was “PHO”, so we made our way to the gates of heaven, aka Vietnamese Restaurant. That place will bring you back from the clutches of bad feelings from the night before like nobodies business. We had fixed ourselves, and the days drive from Saskatoon to Edmonton was calling (and B.Traits was tweeting for us to get our asses in gear and get there so she could meet up with us) so on the road again we went. The drives through the prairies are sponsored by the numbers 1, 5, and 5, and the letters k, m, and /hr. Needless to say, we got to the hotel in a shorter amount of time than was originally calculated….suck it Google maps. Jubilee woke up just before we rolled into Edmonton as our friends gave us a full shout on their radio show,….going from full sleep to “WTF?!” was pretty amazing to witness.
The Edmonton show was awesome for having at least the rider set out in full force. The pros in all of us shone through, and we went to town on the sound systems in Temple/Brixx. Jubilee and B.Traits gave the basement a thorough bassy rinse out, and Bitchin’ and Roxy went 4/4 techy upstairs. We got to see a variety of past Get ‘er Done fans, Betti Forde’s friend Gerald, (such a doll), all the foosh/danksoul/treehouse peeps, and Colleen, our resident hottie and music nerd.

Things we’ve learned so far? Driving on straight highways without any music or cd’s because there is no ipod plug in sucks, Mazda’s are just Ferrari’s in disguise, PHO is the elixir of life and we will probably eat it ten times or more before the tour is finished, stuffed unicorns on the dash is better than a GPS, having a cigarette lighter adaptor to plug your chargers into in the car is essential when you are tweeting/texting obsessively trying to keep the drive boredom at bay, and Roxy Cottontail is an amazing addition to the Tour this time around, and we will all miss her as she’s finished her dates and has headed back to NYC.
Saskatoon is definitely in the lead for best show, but now we’re onto the west coast….where we almost lost our minds and livers last times. Let’s see what you got.

It’s that time of year again. When I pack up a bunch of the grimiest girls on and off the decks into a car and we traverse the Great Canadian North. The tour diary has become just a legendary as the parties of the years, so i hope I don’t disappoint you with this one.

First thing’s first, we are NOT cut out for car rentals. For some reason this tour does not come equipped with licenses that go with credit cards. Those two things do not mix in the same wallet, so our friend Kitty offered to drive. She can’t park for shit, but girl can drive for 10 hours no problem. She doesn’t have a credit card (of course). But meh, we figured out some voodoo for the car rental spot and we were off to the races.

The first thing we had to do upon arriving in Montreal was wait for 2 whole hours while Roxy Cottontail cleared customs. Luckily the tiny old lady who worked at the Montreal Dep gave use these nifty beer sized paper bags and straws so we could drink in the open.

The show at The Blemont included locals: Mary Hell and Hatchmatik who DID NOT wear a dress as he had promised me, but luckily he’s grown this impressive black cookie duster mustache that he swears is all natural. All these DJs meant 45 minute sets to the god damned minute. The show wasn’t the fullest, but all the right people seemed to show up and we got pretty toasted and eased into the cluster fuck of the rest of the weekend nicely.

TORONTO

Toronto’s always the stress show for me. Hometown shows are quite possibly the devil incarnate. Somehow I managed to get 3 hours work in at my office, take a long hot bath AND get to the show at Mod Club just before doors to set up the club with banners and giveaways from Heineken, Puma, and Dose.ca. Roxy finally got to perform and threw her signature bunny stuff into the crowd. And Embrace gave us our rider in a cooler.

Honourable mentions: Lucie Tic tore up the balcony, a lot of our guy friend’s showed up really tanked for some reason, and somehow, someone got these two skinny ho dancers up on the stage just as Jubilee started her set. They looked like her dancers, but also, because of the height difference, she was eye-to-hoop with them.

Thankfully Gay Rob stepped in as our alterna-ho dancer. And all was right in the world once again.

OTTAWA

By the time we were en route to Ottawa, we were hanging by threads. Jubilee, and Star Eyes and possibly Riviera (still not totally crystal on this point) played an afterhours in a toaster oven the night before and I got scared to be alone on the train. It took us two hours JUST to leave Toronto cause the DVP was closed which was brutal. A few Timmy Ho’s and a lot of jokes about hooping later, and we were in Ottawa. The capitol of our great nation, and also where all lesbians move to start a family.

Let’s prende une moment to respect Star Eyes’ van outfit for the day.

Ottawa had potential to be a really really hairy night. The club was set up perfectly when I got there on banner patrol. Our cooler of beer was replaced with a proper booth, and the dance floor was rammed all night long. Once again, all the right people showed up and that made all the difference.

This tour has almost killed me already (when Kitty wasn’t trying to kill us in the van of course) and it’s just really damn hard to describe. Like how can I explain to you that hooping is such a huge trend that the BBC is even talking about master hoopers reaching new heights of ecstasy and how Star Eyes heard that right when she got in the car en route to butt-fuck Utah after not having slept all night, and how that made her entire life? Or how Rod Lee is the only thing that will save your soul on a 500 hour drive totally hung over in the pouring rain? Or that Tim Horton’s is set to buy a house from us after this, or that there is a certain gang-mentality that takes over when you get that many girls in a van together? I can’t.

All I can say is hold on to your livers girls, there’s 7 more dates to go!

Toronto Photos By: Al D, Rest by this hot mess

Lioness recently embarked on a 3 day jaunt through the States and let us get a peak of their life on the road.

LIONESS take on America – DAY 1

We decided to leave Wednesday night to beat the border heat before our first American show in Philly. We ended up waiting four hours for our visas. We were planning to drive half way and ended up only in Williamsville at the Garden Place Hotel. We were starving from the wait and thankful to find a 24 hour Timmy Ho’s. The gold lions lead us to our room.

DAY 2 – Philly here we come!

We get up and ready ourselves for the 3-hour drive. Then the burning smell… I thought it was the smell of Philly in the summer, but as we pull into the Holiday Inn beside the stadium, the parking attendant informs us that our van is smoking. MF. Our show is in a few hours and we have enough gear for five people. We call the promoter for the show and explain what a great start to our trip this was. Thank the tour gods! Kung Fu Necktie had a cargo van. We load up the van and as we pull out onto the street we notice about fifteen cops and a tarp with a body under it, and a pool of blood surrounding it. I take back the thanks, South Philly, what? We made it, and the show was amazing! We stayed up late learning Philly slang and sayings. “If your v-neck is lower than your necklace, you’re a douche. And saying, “Blow you” when you disagree with someone.

DAY 3 – NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN

Nothing like going to bed at 5:30 and walking up at 7:30 to take the van in. We have a full day of waiting and hoping we’ll make it to New York. Steven the promoter from the show takes us to a great place for breakfast where Ian the dj from Night Train comes to meet us in the shitty limo. No mini bar, broken cassette tape, broken locks and no AC – what a sweet ride.

$850.00 later we have new brakes and we are on our way. Good-bye Philly, I will miss you and your kind souls and dead bodies. Hello Brooklyn, I love your free pours and four o’clock last call.

After the show there was a karaoke party. It as fun to watch people belt out Metallica and Jay-Z “In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of…” I sang Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams.

Lioness Take Manhattan – DAY 4

Although eating 99-cent pizza & pretzel M&M’s seems like a good late night idea you end up having nightmares about being dragged under a red car and watching someone’s intestine’s turn into silk worms and pour from their stomach. Jeff had a strange dream too. It was about our friend Devon from YSP! And in the morning we found out he had recently stayed in the same room, in the same apartment. We talk about our visions over coffee and breakfast, then ventured into the lower east side. Hell yes!

DAY 5 – Welcome to Canada

QxBxR at Cake Shop was amazing! People danced and sang along, it was a great feeling inside. And now it was time to head back home. We stayed with the best cat. Stopped in Syracuse on the way back, crossed the border at midnight. And ended our epic 3 day American tour.

There’s more fun on the road coming. Stay tuned for the next round…