There are some awesome events for just about everyone happening in the next little while. A ghoulish march starting at Dufferin Grove, Halloweek in the Gaybourhood, and honouring 11.11.11 with deep thought and style. They are definately worth a tweet.

The Night of Dread

Clay and Paper Theatre production of the 12th annual festival of “pageantry, music and masquerade” leads a march that starts at Dufferin Grove. Last year, they had a camp fire going and it was a really nice scene. The parade starts to assemble around 4 pm at the rink house. People dressed in “Black and white and dreadful all over.”

The hour long march takes you on a journey through west end Toronto. Muscians play, stilt walkers and puppets stroll beside you. The event “draws inspiration from festivals of death and remembrance around the world.” Signs showing “our fears” are laid out ranging in topic from “Lady Gaga” to the “oil sands.” Their Twitter is @clayandpaper.

Dufferin Grove is at 900 Dufferin street. TTC INFO: Get to Dufferin Station. Take the 29 dufferin bus south or just walk down. Sometimes its nice just to get out into an open park space and this park is awesome.

Halloweek

The Church Wellesley Village closes off Church street on Oct 31st. It is the largest outdoor Halloween party in Canada The costumes are phenomenal. Free Entertainment, and pubs full to the brim of some very happy people. Sometimes people hand out candy to the most creative costume. My fave from last year? Two guys dressed as hockey players. They were wearing all of the equipment including the mask. One was chained to the other. It was classic.

It runs from Oct 24th to Oct 31st. Every day during the week you can have “one hell of a good meal” with the “Devilicious Culinary Tour”. Many Village restaurants will have three course meals of “Halloween themed dishes” Halloween displays are part of a local decor contest. The merchants dress up their digs in the theme of the season. Evening or day time, it’s worth a walk down Church Street to check them out.

11.11.11

Any time numbers align in any sort of pattern, there are people out there making theories about what “could” happen. Everything from alien visitation, to just an amazing day to do meditation and yoga. The other school of thought is just to party and enjoy this uniquely numbered day.

Haute

Slacks at 562 Church Street, hosts a stylish event of fashion, food and lots of surprises. Intricate NAIL ART done by Ila, this seasons hottest LIP thanks to MAC make up artist Jeannine. This is just in the first part of the night. From 8 to 11pm you will also be treated to a fashion show from Lavish and Squalor and Wild Moon Jewlery. A “Complimentary Vodka tasting bar” will be there as well to tempt you.

From 11pm to 3am Miss BETTI FORDE (dance, hip hop, motown), and “the hottest new spinners on the scene” MIDZ (hip hop, r and b, reggae) and LINGUIST (dance, house, electro). This event is for LBTQ women and our allies. Tickets for an event like this sell out fast, so make sure you get them soon. A few Early Bird’s are left at $8. General Admission is $10. The VIP gives you two Heinekens and a canape for $25. Their Twitter is @w0tr

November to Remember

Lambadina Resto Lounge hosts “two of the finest Turntablists” for this “Autumn Chic“ event. Paul E Lopes (Bump ‘N Hustle) and The Juiceman Jonathan Shaw (Juiceyland) are there to make you dance spinning everything from `hip hop to future.“ Limited $10 Guest List, and $15 at the door. 875 Bloor St. W Upper Level (2nd Fl.) TTC INFO: Start at Ossington Stn and walk east a few blocks.

words by shona

As you all know, we’re always trying to hook you up with the latest and greatest. Next week Peaches (of “Operate”, “Billionaire”, and “Slippery Dick”) hits Toronto for her Peaches DJ Extarvaganza tour on the 21st at the Opera House.

She’s striking the T Dot with a perennial fave, Betti Forde. Expect lots of glitter, heavy beats and crazy costumes. Click here for the facebook.

Because we love you, we’re giving away 5 pairs of tickets to the show.

Tweet us (@pinkmafia4life) with your favourite lyric for a chance to win! (**be sure to use the hash tag #PeachesDJTO to be entered). Enter before Sunday the 18th at 11:59 pm – winners will be announced Monday morning.

**Photo by Luke Austin

Fellow Queerios, it is finally here. The month of Pride. While some of us wait until the actual weekend to do something, there are a few of us who enjoy Pride as a celebration of all things Queer. Its Christmas, but with balloons, hot sticky weather and left of centre politics. For Pride Toronto or -PT- it has been a very interesting year, indeed. The Pride Festival surrounds us, and brings in people from all over the world.

-PT- has come out on top from crumbling politics, set up primarily by the Queers Against Israeli Aparthaed or, QuaIA. This group people or set out to force an issue that had nothing to do with the parade or anything to why we, as a community celebrate each year. Their issue was purely political and had nothing to do with beer tents, drag king performances or flirting with that cute boi and his best friend from Montreal.

We celebrate in different ways. A lesbian couple holds hands for the first time. A drunken walk with your friends to get street meat at the intersection of Gay and Gayer. Where of course, a sea of people are dancing on the street, some only driven by a natural intoxication. The loud house music being pumped out from bar beside bar, trying to drown out the one beside it. There is a collective sense of Pride that has nothing at all to do with -PT- at all.

T.G.I. SWAGGER

Then, there are the brave souls who despite all odds, see Pride as an opportunity to give back to the Queerio community. Cee Sando’s event, TGI Swagger ran last year, and she is doing it again for 2011. She was not impressed by last years antics yet this event is an official one for -PT-. The QuAiA created disruption, but she went ahead with her plans. Her primary reason? “I am not going to lose sight of why we have Pride, what is the point? You carry on and do what the community deserves.”

This is a welcoming event for the 19 + crowd who want to have a seriously happening vibe for the last evening of this year’s Pride. For those of you who maybe new to being 19 this is a great event to experience a “Dress to Impress.” So break out the slinky sandals, sexy dresses, and open to the middle of your chest silk shirts. You can walk down the “Signature Black Carpet” in your own style.

She has created a Festival of Pride of her own design. Complete with surprise guests, eclectic music,and a donation aspect to her event. Donating the proceeds to an LGBTQ charity is a goal for each event that they put together for our community. She’s booked Internationally known DJ’s who are known for their strong urban body shakin beats. It’s a destination event and yes, you will want to stay. Hotel Ocho, is Toronto’s hottest new boutique hotel.

With a $20 suggested donation, you will be treated to scrumptious food, and high quality entertainment second to none. Expect a mature vibe and sophisticated crowd. There are rumours of surprises guests. Hosting duo Chrys and Kris will welcome hot international DJ’s Designer Imposter from New York and Betti Forde from Toronto. Nicole Pina, from “The Lovers and Friends Show,” and Bklyn Boihood. will join the celebration.

Supporters foodFIGHT, Girls Like Us and Factorial! and live nail art by guerrilla image squad and the |WÖR|iors, just to name a few. The proceeds of the sale of their items will go directly to the NoH8 Campaign. If you want to just get in and enjoy the party, you don’t have to pay the suggested donation of $20.

Its never to early to shout the words “Happy Pride!!!!” I plan on saying it to as many Queerios as I can.

It felt a little Cannonball Run to tell you the truth. Betti Forde and I got on a plane in Toronto, bound for Vancouver, Jubilee, Kenzie Clarke and Mama Miche (Bitchin’) caught a flight from Calgary, and B.Traits was already in Van City having flown home a day early after the Banff show. We all met up at 9:30AM, a little groggy, a little banged up, but happy to see each other and get the last leg underway.

VANCOUVER

So we got into Van mad early and checked into our hotel, then went straight for Pho, which is the new A&W on this tour, then break for nap times (well, I went for an epic 10K run along the sea wall, which was so absolutely beautiful, I’d rank it up there with a single surprise orgasm in terms of awesome-ness). By 6:30PM, we were at Fortune setting up and loving their Halloween decor, zombie Biggie and Tupac anyone?

Then it was off to dinner with Red Bull’s Kenny Mac, who took the motely crew of loud ass women to some Cambodian spot that sounded like Poon Pen. Best chicken wings and soft shell crab ever. At dinner, Kate from Stinkmitt joined us. She regaled us all with witty one liners like “My womb is a tomb” and “if they peaches are ripe, I say pick” in reference to wearing the same undies two days a in a row. Also, Kate and Maren sang a lovely cover of “Last night a DJ saved my life” that went like this: “Last night a BJ saved my life…” And Kenny Mac snagged it as his ring tone. Since those girls can really sing, the whole restaurant heard. It was just another classy moment on Get Er Done.

At the show, Stinkmitt performed, which was nice. Also, I got a boner for a Karaoke room ON SITE at the club!

It wasn’t mad full but damn that sound system is lovely. Oh and Kate got caught on video stealing our rider. The girls were mad at first, but it’s kinda funny now isn’t it? Check the vid for yourself below.

Kate an hour before the crime was committed

WHISTLER

On Friday we enjoyed a rare moment called “late checkout” and were on the road by 1PM towards Whistler. Six of us piled into one room since we had no intention of actually staying the night, having to drive to Nelson 10 hours the next day anyway. Being that it was Halloween, we got in the spirit and got our costuming on. Jubilee and B.Traits were Wayne + Garth, and Bitchin’ recycled some dope Gnome costumes from Shambhala. Betti Forde was Ke$ha in another bad ass onsie (her closet is like one endless onsie train; the ride gets better the longer you stay on it), and I was a Tweety Bird (again cause my fucking Shocker costume got stuck in the States since the people at BuyCostumes.com have never rerouted a package and have shit for brains and sent it to my HOME ADDRESS in Toronto. Assholes). But I don’t have pictures of us, cause that’s just how the cookie crumbled.

NELSON

By 4am we were strapped into a car with a sober Mama Miche at the helm and flying towards Nelson. Not gonna lie, that drive was a bit rough considering I got deep into the Burt Reynolds hole with Dom the manager at Garfinkels the night before. Sobering up in a car is lovely. Just lovely.

We made it to the Hume Hotel, which is where Spirit Bar is located and after getting a good dose of Oso Negro, we passed out for a solid 4 hour nap.

The party in Nelson went off like a crack whore with a fresh welfare cheque. I gotta say, the whore quotient was pretty low in Nelson, which was really refreshing. It was almost like a Jim Henson movie, with people break dancing and flipping around on the dance floor and furniture. Costume wise, we had a Hamburgler (Jubilee), Unicorn Trainer (Mama Miche), Bunny (Kenzie Clarke), a Kingu Flying Bat (B.traits) and I was Prince. Yes, the purple one. Highlight: B.Trait’s dad came dressed as a younger version of himself and her mom stayed right to the end (she’s from Nelson originally).

Awesome Nelson Ladies!

It’s that time of year again. When I pack up a bunch of the grimiest girls on and off the decks into a car and we traverse the Great Canadian North. The tour diary has become just a legendary as the parties of the years, so i hope I don’t disappoint you with this one.

First thing’s first, we are NOT cut out for car rentals. For some reason this tour does not come equipped with licenses that go with credit cards. Those two things do not mix in the same wallet, so our friend Kitty offered to drive. She can’t park for shit, but girl can drive for 10 hours no problem. She doesn’t have a credit card (of course). But meh, we figured out some voodoo for the car rental spot and we were off to the races.

The first thing we had to do upon arriving in Montreal was wait for 2 whole hours while Roxy Cottontail cleared customs. Luckily the tiny old lady who worked at the Montreal Dep gave use these nifty beer sized paper bags and straws so we could drink in the open.

The show at The Blemont included locals: Mary Hell and Hatchmatik who DID NOT wear a dress as he had promised me, but luckily he’s grown this impressive black cookie duster mustache that he swears is all natural. All these DJs meant 45 minute sets to the god damned minute. The show wasn’t the fullest, but all the right people seemed to show up and we got pretty toasted and eased into the cluster fuck of the rest of the weekend nicely.

TORONTO

Toronto’s always the stress show for me. Hometown shows are quite possibly the devil incarnate. Somehow I managed to get 3 hours work in at my office, take a long hot bath AND get to the show at Mod Club just before doors to set up the club with banners and giveaways from Heineken, Puma, and Dose.ca. Roxy finally got to perform and threw her signature bunny stuff into the crowd. And Embrace gave us our rider in a cooler.

Honourable mentions: Lucie Tic tore up the balcony, a lot of our guy friend’s showed up really tanked for some reason, and somehow, someone got these two skinny ho dancers up on the stage just as Jubilee started her set. They looked like her dancers, but also, because of the height difference, she was eye-to-hoop with them.

Thankfully Gay Rob stepped in as our alterna-ho dancer. And all was right in the world once again.

OTTAWA

By the time we were en route to Ottawa, we were hanging by threads. Jubilee, and Star Eyes and possibly Riviera (still not totally crystal on this point) played an afterhours in a toaster oven the night before and I got scared to be alone on the train. It took us two hours JUST to leave Toronto cause the DVP was closed which was brutal. A few Timmy Ho’s and a lot of jokes about hooping later, and we were in Ottawa. The capitol of our great nation, and also where all lesbians move to start a family.

Let’s prende une moment to respect Star Eyes’ van outfit for the day.

Ottawa had potential to be a really really hairy night. The club was set up perfectly when I got there on banner patrol. Our cooler of beer was replaced with a proper booth, and the dance floor was rammed all night long. Once again, all the right people showed up and that made all the difference.

This tour has almost killed me already (when Kitty wasn’t trying to kill us in the van of course) and it’s just really damn hard to describe. Like how can I explain to you that hooping is such a huge trend that the BBC is even talking about master hoopers reaching new heights of ecstasy and how Star Eyes heard that right when she got in the car en route to butt-fuck Utah after not having slept all night, and how that made her entire life? Or how Rod Lee is the only thing that will save your soul on a 500 hour drive totally hung over in the pouring rain? Or that Tim Horton’s is set to buy a house from us after this, or that there is a certain gang-mentality that takes over when you get that many girls in a van together? I can’t.

All I can say is hold on to your livers girls, there’s 7 more dates to go!

Toronto Photos By: Al D, Rest by this hot mess

I was amped when I saw that Betti Forde was coming to Winnipeg, and even more amped when I saw that it was taking place at Gio’s. Gio’s is Winnipeg’s premier gay bar. Being the stereotypical straight white girl I immediately have images of Carrie Bradshaw dancing in a neon mesh see threw combo outfit at a gay bar in New York. Tonight I was going to shine like Carrie Bradshaw. My crew and I made our way down to the bar where we were angrily greeted by the bouncer. He said that there was no such thing as a guest list. I’m outraged. We are all standing outside in tiny outfits in the middle of a snow storm. Yes Winnipeg has snow already. And he is telling me that my confirmed guest list does not exist. I got my Pink Mafia pride on and asked to speak to someone else. The lovely Sebastian came out and ushered us threw the line.  Inside Gio’s the posters for the event listed the wrong date so rumors were swirling inside that Betti wasn’t actually spinning tonight. WHAAAT. Glancing up at the both I could tell everyone was mistaken. There was Betti in all her glory making my ass swivel and shake. Thanks to Mrs. Forde I don’t think I left the dance floor once, except for when I was double fisting gin and tonics. The night was unforgettable with two excellent gay dancers by mine and my sister’s side the whole time. If Betti is coming across your town make sure you make your way to her gig. Her Beyonce mash up is unreal. You will sweat, you will cry, your weave will tare out and you’ll have the best dance night of your life.

Behind the Scenes

Double Fisting

My Sister is a Huge Fan

Work It out.

Rain or Snow or Shine Betti was a mad successful.

Name: Betti Forde aka Maren Hancock.
Occupation: DJ, MC & Vocalist in StinkMitt, freshly appointed Graduate Student at York

Biggest turn on: BC Bud
Biggest turn off: Gordon Campbell
City: Vancouver
How long have you lived there?: 11 years, all on the same street (Pacific St.) in the West End, which I call the Rear End. Here is the view of Sunset Beach at 7am from my friend G-Luve’s apartment, one block away from mine.
Why do you call it home?: Up until last year it didn’t snow and you could ride your bike 24/7. Not so much now though, thanks to global warming. It snowed over ten times last year which is used to be totally unheard of.

Best spot…if you’re ballin:
For a meal AND For a date:
Go to Tuscany on Bowen Island. Its not even that expensive per se, but you have to hop a 35 minute water taxi ride from Granville Island to Bowen, which is super fun and only costs $25 round-trip, they depart from both Granville Island & Bowen all day up to about 10pm so its perfect for day-tripping. Check out http:www.giwt.ca for sailing schedules.
Here is my boyfriend Tristram on the water taxi. You can even take your dogs (everyone takes theirs dogs on dates, right?) and walk right off the ferry and up to the restaurant. Here is my dog Carter chilling in the taxi.
Tuscany is an Mediterrian/Italian joint in this really cool old house with seating indoors and out. Everything was super fresh and they grew all their own herbs. I know for a fact because they sat me right next to the herbs. They sure read me right!

We had a delicious salad with seared scallops and really good pizza baked in their wood-fired oven and pasta and bottle of good wine and it was about $100 before tip. I had a lot of wine. Excellent food and service and no black clad model-type hostesses with attitude! They had no problem with us hitching our dogs on the lawn. Look how happy my date is!
Bowen Island is super cute. Even its residents are totally beautiful in a natural way. It brought me closer than ever to my dog. We could never be too close!

To shop: I suspect all the Ballin’ places are in West Vancouver. We’re not allowed there. West Vancouver has their own police force, their own bus service, their own secret handshake…we call them the Others. Otherwise, Scarlet on Granville is a dope lingerie shop that carries Betsey Johnson and lots of other dope brands and they have big sizes if you got big knockers.

Best spot…if you’re broke:
For a meal: You have to go to Sunset Beach Concession. They have delicious burgers for about $5.50, and they are delicious.

Here is a succulent Veggie Burger. They also have fresh wild salmon, chicken or beef and they come on a whole wheat bun, made to order with whatever fixins’ you want including heaps of fried onions & super fresh lettuce and tomato. Note the generous serving of fried onions on the chicken version. I’ve been eating these for 11 years and the same nice older lady has been serving them up with a smile for just as long. I don’t know her name but long ago I nicknamed her Marcy of the Marcyburgers and I love her. I think Marcyburgers at Sunset Beach are what I’ll miss the most about Vancouver. Sniff.

To shop: Richmond Night Market

For a date: Stanley Park. Kind of a no-brainer but it’s good to remind yourself  of what an amazing place it is. It’s bigger than Central Park in NYC and has a miniature railway you can ride on, amazing Totem Poles, tons of hiking trials, a lake, a lagoon,
pitch n’ put course, 1000 year old trees, mad history and tons of romantic views.

Best spot for a hangover breakfast: The Elbow Room. The food’s awesome and cheap and all the queens yell at you while
they’re serving you, its meant to be funny and it actually totally is.

Best live venue: The Railway Club. You can still hit their patio with a drink AND a smoke. The sound is pretty good, drinks are cheap and many legends have graced their tiny stage.

Best late night joint: Characters on Davie @ Thurlowe. They stay open til about 6am, the food is the same price as at Denny’s but way way better, and if you’re still “thirsty” after the club you can pay $5 for a “small cranberry juice” or $10 for a “large”.

Best kept secret: The cute little harbour ferry’s that you can take to go between Yaletown, the Westend, Kitsalano, Granville
Island, Main Street & False Creek. You can take your bikes and/or your dog too and its only $3 one-way, $5 r/t.

Best spot to dance your ass off: The Lotus Hotel which houses the Lotus Sound Lounge, Honey Lounge & Lick (the latter being our lil ol’ lesbian bar!). Find it on Facebook.

Tourist Trap to avoid? THE OLYMPICS

You’d have to live here to know?: How downhill it’s gone since the 90s. Its  becoming too expensive for artists and creative (read: broke) types to live here so we are losing them all rapidly…

What NOT to miss?: The Seawall that runs basically from Gastown, east to Coal Harbour, winds around Stanley Park and then goes past English Bay and Sunset Beach to Yaletown, Plaza of Nations, Science World at Main St. and then west all the way past Granville Island and Kitsalano and then almost all the way to Spanish Banks at the University of B.C., with only a few interuptions. Drop acid and spend the whole day from sun-up to sunset walking it, you’ll get to the farthest western tip just in time to see the sun set from Wreck Beach.

So in the middle of the shit show, we decided that it would be super fun to go to Whitehorse.

Yup, Yukon. Cold. But hey, when else will you be able to say you went to the Yukon on tour?

So we fly in from Van in the morning to a chilly Whitehorse (fun fact #1, 30,000 people live in the Yukon, 25,000 of which live in Whitehorse) and are met by the lovely Lauren Tuck, who booked our show and took care of us well.

We grabbed a coffee and headed off to the CBC, which is basically untouched since the 70s up there in Whitehorse.

Off to dinner, and another round with that sexy suit of mine.

Oh, and did we tell you about the room? Ever see that movie, 30 Days of Night where the vampires go up to Alaska and feast on the blood of a small remote town for a whole month while it’s dark day and night? Yeah, it was exactly that. The suite wasn’t bad but the other room had some banged up bits like no towels and possibly some dried blood in a spot or two. Both rooms smelled like an ashtray, but we were all, “hey, you can’t have everything all of the time”.

What else was good? Miche-On-A-Stick got more action than Kenzie-On-A-Stick did in Alberta.

Betti Forde did some rappin’ that was pretty boss. And the crowd in Whitehorse was all heart on the dancefloor.

On to Whistler. All in a days work.

Everyone who has ever lived in Montreal will tell you the women are gorgeous, the weather is brutal and everyone sleeps around like the world is about to end. It’s a town filled with student/artist-living, perpetually in it’s early twenties at any age. Montreal, much like Mexico, is a beautiful place to visit.

I would be lying through my teeth if I said we took it easy on the French. We weren’t gentle with the the Calgary-cowboys or the Van-mandals or the Bore-ontonians, I can’t see why we’d take it any easier on a bunch of womanizing alcoholics. Truthfully, it was nice to be amongst other like minded individuals.

After 7 shows and ten days on the road, I’d say we’d tightened it up alright.
Brendan opened it up at Blue Dog

and The Royal Society took it from there.

Betti, Bitchin’, Barbi and Fierce still managed to fit in hour-long sets each and even though it was a Sunday, the dancefloor was going off right up to lights on at 3:15am.

Apparently it’s been a long time since they’ve seen that much that late around those parts!

Mad shout out to The Team Canada Guys , DL of Peer Pressure and Angelo (who nursed me back to health on a much needed day off in Montreal), and the lovely Ashlinn for keeping us hydrated.

I’ll leave you with a picture of me in the Blue Dog Peeled Banana Suit that I donned to cheer up an underslept and overworked group of broads on the ones and twos.

Honourable Mentions: Men with shoes but no socks, garbage diving, playing the who-would-you-rather-sleep-with game with the low-aids factor strategy (Prince being the only exception to this rule), gorgeous
lofts reduced to squat housing, laissez-faire attitudes and Will Arnett’s sex tape on repeat.

For more, click here for ClubDose pics or read about us on the RVCA blog

Until next time,
Stay Fit and Have Fun!

Anna Von

We rolled into Toronto like syphilis making a comeback. Having only slept two hours before leaving Deadmonton, and getting seated in kiddie playland on the four hour plane ride, we separated right quick to find dark corners to die in.

After a solid 14 hour catch up nap and a few half-assed remorsefully alcoholic promises never to wrestle that rider again, we were back in the saddle, this time joined by DJ Barbi and rap-pop group, The Royal
Society.

Oh Wrongbar, there ain’t nothing wrong about you. You’re like sex on wheels after a six month stint in the Don. Here’s a pic of the Pink Mafia Street Team, keeping it on lock.

L-R: Mica, Melania, Some Dude, Maddy

Lineup by midnight, hot barmaids busting spontaneous dance moves, and the door girl tossing hangover cookies between taking covers; it was definitely a Get Er Done date.

The ladies of Bitchin’ finally got their time to shine

Dancefloor was poppin ‘ basically all night.

Here’s a pretty picture of Charlie showing off the “Slut” stamp.

To the asshole who stole the slut-stamp: you better fucking save it as a souvenir. If we ever see it used anywhere, we’ll probably feed you your own ass Pink Mafia style. Interested in knowing more on this subject?
Ask around. I’m sure there are plenty of peeps who’d love to tell you exactly what that means.

Maren had a really nice friend named Heather who seemed pretty innocuous at first, then she showed up all skid-night prom queen and we knew we were sorrily mistaken. Here’s a nice one of her and Gay Rob deep throating a Redbull.

The Royal Society were seriously late for their time slot, so they had to go on at the end of the night instead. But it worked out cause the club was bumpin’. First show and they struck gold.

Barbi closed it down like a champ. But Barbi can do anything cause she’s like the best DJ in Toronto, and all you bitches know it.

A little drunk, ok a lot drunk, we stormed off to Fierce’s place for the after party. Which, friends is really just me doing a bit of tour math and the other girls blowing up an air mattress, but we try to sound like party monsters. Here’s a perfect example. This photo is totally innocent. Just reaching for a purse by the couch. But somehow, we manage to make it look grimy, slutty and slightly uncomfortable like an ass car crash you can’t stop staring at.

Worst sleep of my life later, and we’re off to Montreal, Royal Society and Barbi in tow. I rented a mini-van from Thrifty’s, but when we got to the counter, Abdul was already getting torn a new one by some guy who’s car they lost. They didn’t have ours either. After a woman-to-woman chat with the nice lady at the Hertz (no name tag or I’d give a shout out) next door, we got hooked up with a better deal on an Escalade instead.

And THAT is why a) I am the tour manager and b) women be running everyting!

I’ll leave you with this lovely pic of the whole crew (all but me of
course) pulled over at a McDonalds en route to La Belle Province.

For more photos check out party pics on our site, sharkvsbear, and Dose

Holy Edmonton was cold!
Shit bitch, get some summer up in there quick.

We asked some locals what people do in Edmonton and they responded, “try not to get beat up and huff gas”. Rough is an understatement.

The Pawn Shop is the spot there and Ryan hooked us up proper

DJs Short N’ Sweet opened for us. They are both of those things. Mad  shout out to Lydia who is the dopest jam in Deadmonton by far.

On a side note, Fierce Helder is a big hit with the everyone on this tour. First she picked up sandals man at the liquor store in Kelowna, then all the Mexican cowboys in Calgary were trying to get her digits,
we get to Edmonton, and ladies are wearing her name on their tat tats. As her manager, I’ve taken to carrying a big stick with me everywhere I go just in case I have to pimp smack someone.

Everything was dolby, or rather, all okay. The sets were great, the crowd was poppin’. The after party at the hotel was reasonably manageable, Edmonton really pulled through.

Here’s a pic of Betti with her two pals Lexi and I forget,but he was
awesome.

And here’s one of an Edmonton scenester. They are everywhere. See.

Honourable mentions: Finally finding a Starbucks so i didn’t die of bitchdom. the first real meal in two days. The Arrow bus service being surprisingly pleasant with WiFi AND they played a movie called, “In The Land Of Women” which is basically about Meg Ryan’s crazy duck lips from what i can gather. Oh, and Foosh. The best store in Edmonton. They hooked us up with dope-ass tees and the staff were bangin’!

Also check out Dose for more party pics

Oh Calgary, you were so much hotter when we were still just courting.
The first couple of dates were great, and now that your all comfortable in this relationship, suddenly you’re showing up to watch movies in jogging pants and sandals. It’s just to soon to show us your back zits and all.
Calgary was a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Let me start with the drive. It was all peaches and blue sky’s on the drive from Kelowna to Calgary. We were Cruising the Dub on the reg, making friends with gophers and enjoying the Rockies.

Here’s a couple of gems from the road.
This is me and Fierce in matching coonskin hats that she almost wouldn’t wear for the photo because the ponytail part made her feel weird like she was wearing a purse.

Here’s another great pics of Fierce and Miche in some seriously fast glasses.

From the second we got to Cow Town, Stampede and all the stress suddenly mounted. Not only were we throwing a dirty-after-party-illegal-boozecan the next night, but it seemed that there was little promo out for our Get Er Done date at Hi Fi.

So what did we do? Go to the Rodeo of course. I must have whistled a hundred times at beefy, red faced cowboys just for the fun of it. After leaving Vancouver and all those damn sandals, it was like an instant boner to see men in jeans and boots, clean shaven and bulky in the 30 degree Alberta sun. Ah yes, the smell of men being men, which as we found out later, means dudes chasing and tying up small animals and a lot of late night date rape at Stampede. Yeehaw!

The Hi Fi is a gorgeous club. One of my faves in the whole country. The staff are a wicked awesome group of boys, the club always had dope art on the walls, and we got to hang with Wax Romeo, our tour mascot and funniest man alive. Here’s a good quote of his from Tuesday: “Do you know how hard it is to get jeans when you’re a small man. I mean, not that you’ll ever have this problem, but I’m really skinny. And that’s why I hate Dior.” ZING!

Betti Forde, a Calgary native originally, showed up in a shoulder padded, one piece acid washed jean dress. That was it for me. I shot my load.

Other highlights include: The dirty after party we did at Art Life, kicking the Hi Fi party’s ass ten ways to Sunday. Betti Forde noticing aptly that our posters were the only ones absent from the club’s walls.
A lot of Politics. Touching baby piglets while they suckled every so sweetly on their mom’s teet, testosterone, and those god damned Van Gogh espresso vodka shots we drank by the dozen!

It started out kinda tame. We stayed with a couple of creeps named Rosa and Berger who are so level eleven out of ten that Fierce and I wrote down some emergency numbers and gave them to the Bitchin’ girls in case we didn’t make it out alive.

One of the biggest differences about touring with girls over boys have been the level of care and thought put into even the most banal things. Here’s an example: girls get dressed up and sorted out before they leave the house to DJ

and they always manage to find some way to incorporate unicorns and other girlie accoutrement’s
into the everyday

As an aside, the ladies somehow convinced me that i should wear this out. That I didn’t look slutty at all, and that I should be proud. Looking through the pictures today has taught me that girls lie. A lot.

Everything was chillin’. We made it to Lotus on time, the crew of creeps in tow. Betti Forde started off the set, the sound was banging, and that’s when it all took a nosedive.

Suddenly the music went off and the bar manager came running over all, “gimme five minutes”, the club had filled with smoke and it was clearing out fast. We make a lot of jokes at Pink Mafia about how we’re gonna burn the party to the ground, but we never thought it would actually happen. Apparently a bass bin caught on fire, or was set on fire, we’re a little fuzzy on the details.Here’s a really shitty video clip of the fire, shot by our creepy friend Rosa.

Being as skin tight/all night as we are, we just packed it up and moved it up to another room in the complex. Some club called “Honey” with a DJ booth ten feet above the dancefloor that required some serious skills to climb into. Here’s a lovely photo of the rider we found when we got up there.

Fierce Helder took it from there and tore that place a brand new one.
There were some sad moments of course. Honey was significantly smaller than Lotus, and there was a lineup four people wide and a block long trying to get in for most of the night. But luckily, Rosa and Berger were fantastic at keeping the party going. Here’s a nice one of Mama Miche holding Berger up when she wandered into the secret door that lead to the tree house ladder you had to take to get to the DJ booth.

On several occasions Berger asked me where she was. And here’s another gem of Rosa with a super soaker she found in the back kitchen at the club.

As it was with the Whistler show, so too in Vancouver the bar had to ask us to stop playing three times before we actually did. But for serious, every time Fierce shut it down, the crowd screamed for so long, we had little choice but to throw it back on.

Four hours of sleep later and we were off to Kelowna.

I won’t bore you with the details of our fantastic trip through the mountains, some political bit involving Pine Beetles who are apparently destroying Canada’s old growth, or how gorgeous the pool was at the house we stayed in. It’s just another day in the life around here anyway. I’ll let the photos do the talking.

Here’s Fierce Helder with a Gay Apple. She looks sad cause she had to let it go.

Oh yeah, and here’s Fierce again with her new boyfriend, Mikey. She met him outside of a pub AND liquor store called Whiskey Jack’s. Basically, he straightened her out and they now have some plan to meet up after the tour and live the good life. We’re not sure what “the good life” is exactly but we know this much: it involves ranching, those man sandles and cruising around in his Jeep in fast glasses.

We’ve also tightened up our rider a bit so we can attract all the babes and cause now that Fierce is straight, she won’t stop about the Bacardi Breezers and Zinfandel spritzers.

There’s more to tell and show kids, but mami needs a beer and a nap and a smoke so I’ll leave you with this gorgeous shot of yours truly; working on my tan at the pool.

Honourable mentions: A&W veggie burgers, East Hastings looking kinda tame for once, Berger’s thong keg stand first thing in the morning, losing phone chargers left and right, drunk mathematicians, male promoters giving us white roses, but not more beer like we asked, and the promise of Mandeep’s party pins in the distance.

Check out http://dose.clubzone.com/photos/gallery11680.html for more party pics!