Haven’t you always wanted to be a Virgin again? Well now you can. It’s simple.

Dear Mica,

I’ve been straight since the day I was born, and I dated a guy for two years …he was my first love – I thought I was going to marry him, but he broke up with me and I thought I would never love again. But now, I have fallen in love with a woman.

Until now, I have been 100% straight and I am terrified. I have never been with a woman before!I know how to work a man, but working and pleasing a woman is a whole other story. Most of the sex I have had has been unsatisfying, and the sex I am having with this girl is the best I`ve ever had…but I am afraid of disappointing  and not pleasing her, and generally letting her down. I’m new at this what do I do?

New to Lesbian Loving

It’s a carved niche in the social sexual experience of all willing women and trans folk.
I am going tell you what happens at a bath house, with the most objective and generalized view. I enjoy the watching, the voyeur aspect that’s the sultry and more than erotically exotic. So, this is my exploration log, if you will, of all of my bath houses experiences, through out the years.

You would think by the end of a 30 date US/Canada tour a musician would be a little run down, a little tired, and maybe wearing yesterday’s clothes. But for the last stop on their Nights Fall tour both Detroit’s Mayer Hawthorne with his backing band the Country and Montreal’s Chromeo looked like they’d but on their best and were still full of enough energy to bring the Sound Academy crowd up and then bring it back down, nice and low.

Lace up your converse, or shine up the heels. Whatever is more comfortable for you to walk the Scotiabank Aids Walk for Life Supporting the Aids Committee of Toronto -ACT- their goal is to “make a difference for your commnunity.” This year, it’s at the south east end of the gaybourhood at Carlton and Church. Starting at 12 30, an top list of entertainers line up leads up to the main event! The Walk starts at 2 pm and goes to 3 pm. Post march entertainment starts at 3 30pm and goes to 6pm.

Who’s going to be there on stage? 10 year veteran of the Toronto music scene, Dj Sumation , Diggy from the internationally renown band, Down With Webster and colourful drag persona Sofona Cox . Jully Black , will be showing off why she won two Juno’s with her powerful voice. She will do the post walk show from 3 30pm to 6 00pm.

The Facts

Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) causes Acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) There is a distinction from testing positive to HIV and having AIDS. HIV is a virus, and as human beings we are susceptible to getting a virus. Many people live complete, full lives of pleasure, friendship and all the good things that our human existance has to offer. Just because there is a positive test for HIV it does not mean you will develop full blown AIDS. Following a proper regime of medicine, diet, and getting emotional support assists those with the HIV virus to prevent AIDS from becoming terminal.

The Reality in Toronto

Hamal Docter, volunteers with ACT. As someone who supports people who have HIV/AIDS his poignant words are ones that I needed to share with all of you. To be clear, there is no cure for AIDS. The AIDS Walk for Life is about education, fund raising, and awareness about the reality that this disease has within Toronto.

Historically the hardest hit community is within gay men. 1 in 5 gay men in Toronto live with HIV/AIDS. The statistic for women is actually 1 in 5 new HIV diagnoses. Hamal told me that in our fair city, “there has been epidemic levels of new HIV infections.” The youth community, persons under the age of 29, are at a staggering rate of 1 in 3 people with new HIV infections. There is a disconnect. An improper notion that there is a cure for HIV/AIDS is often held by a younger person.

The youth community are more vulnerable to this unknown reality as the concept of living young and living free is more predominant. There is no such thing as “being immune” just because you are a younger person. HIV/AIDS isn’t just about wearing a condom during sex, or worrying about it if it breaks. Education for all needs to occur before a person even leaves the house so they know what they can do to protect themselves and potential lovers. Being tested for HIV is extremely important. It prevents the HIV virus from being spread, and gives the person who tests positive an early chance to get a hold of the disease.

This is what ACT does each and every day. They concern themselves with providing information on harm reduction. Hamal tells me that 1000′s of new infections each year are prevented by bringing people to an awareness of why being tested on a regular basis is so important. Safe sex is educating yourself about your sex, so you can go ahead and do it safely regardless if you test positive to HIV or not.

Positive Youth Outreach

The support group, Positive Youth Outreach or PYO is devoted to working with people under 30. The PYO program offers the youth community a place to feel safe. ACT offers drop in programs, one on one councelling, skill building and a yearly retreat. Feeling like a second class citzen or unloved is a common problem for youth. It is important for a person who has HIV/AIDS to feel safe, know how to protect themselves and to be empowered. The message is clear from ACT. You can still be you, the person you always have been.

Time To Register

This is the easy part!The three PINK words above this paragraph are the most important in this post. You will be guided to “get registered, get a team together, and start taking pledges!” The top 10 individuals and top 10 teams are listed on the site, and you could join their numbers. The goal this year is $500,000. Last year, The Walk raised $420,000 and they are looking to better that amount. This event is good for our community, and has some awesome talent entertaining the walkers and allies. Show up, have fun but watch out for the MAC team They are “the only team that stops to reapply our lipstick halfway through!”

words by shona

Its countdown to the 2011 Pride Festival. Amazing events are happening for the Queerio community. These organisations planning to entertain you with their wit and grit, also work all year round to provide support and various fun things to do.

Stud Magazine

This magazine was started to provide information and support for “non-gender conforming females.” Being a Stud isn’t about sexuality, but “gender performance.” Education is an important topic for the ‘zine. Studs often don’t find the same opportunities as other people, as their gender expression usually isn’t well received. The site provides youth info about how to best get from high school into post secondary education and beyond.

There are a variety of other topics. My favourite is the Image Gallery, where you see pictures of Handsome Studs, and Fine Femmes. Oh, so hot. Also, check out the the health and artistry sections as they deliver info in a very sexy way.

The official Launch Party is happening Sunday July 3, 2011. $10 for the first 100 tickets with $15 after. Strongly suggested to get the tix as soon as possible, as this could be a sell out, and missing this would be a disappointment. There maybe $15 tix at the door, but if you really want to go, get them now. The dress code is “Clean fitted and fly.” Expect to hear awesome sounds from 5Star* DJ Mary Mac* As well, Home grown T.O talent Dey, dope vocal artist Mo with host Alana Lowe. The event takes place on July 3rd starting at 10:00pm going to 02:00 am. It will be held at the NSC Gallery 5 Brock ave (Queen st West & Brock) Its 19+ ID REQUIRED.

Fruit Loopz Youth Stage

This is a returning event for youth under the broad spectrum of LGBTQ. It is the home base celebrating the community of queer and trans youth. SOY, or -Supporting Our Youth- partners with Pride Toronto. Many artists, singers and spoken word performers illustrate through their mediums of choice how it is to be who they are in this day and age. Join them on Saturday, July 2 · 1:00pm – 10:00pm at Buddies In Bad Times Theatre, Alexander Parkette, 12 Alexander Street

The Sherbourne Health Centre is the supporting organisation. The services that they provide year round include a Trans Person group discussion, the “It gets Better” campaign and “Youth Speak OUT” If you are looking to meet up with fellow Queerios for the Dyke March, Trans March or the Big Parade, check this out

The Flying Beaver Pubaret

This new style of pub at 488 Parliament Street isn’t just a place to go out and get a bite to eat and drink ale. Shows feature hot local talent to the world famous. Everything from Comedy to Dinner and Show events. So, as the owner Maggie Cassella says “Its a Pub its a Cabaret, its a Pubaret!” Two new chefs bring a menu to please any picky palate. This is the perfect place for Sunday Brunch before that long wait on Yonge Street for the Parade to Start.

Pride at the Flying Beaver starts on Thursday June 30th with Match Fever. Its $10 to get in. It is both a Youth 19 + AND a Plus 40 event. Translation? There will be more than one round! Last time they held this event, there were three rounds. This version of “The Dating Game” features “little eager beavers deliver(ing) your beavergrams to anyone with whom you might want to build a dam!” Starts at 7:00 pm and onwards to close. On Sunday, it ends with the ALTERNAQUEER after party. DJs MKW, Michael Venus, and Triple X – No Cover. Starts at 10pm. Here is the complete list of all their Pride events.

Switch Porn Party

At this awesome venue, Oasis Aqualonge. you will find a great place to get laid, or at least, watch other people doing just that. Their last one was in April, and more are to come (pun intended…) The SWITCH! crowd is unique from other play parties in that it INCLUDES cisgendered men, transmen and everyone in between. Carrie Gray of Aslan Leather states “no gender police..just a whole lot of kinky queer fun!”

There will be a live porn shoot w DrewDeVeaux and Lily Cade, and Dj Sasha Van Bon Bon spins the tunes. 2500 sq ft of luxury play space complete with dungeon, pool (thats right, I said pool) and lots of places to “watch, play and fuck.” Tix are $25 adv, and $30 at the door. Here are the deets to how to get them You can find it at 231 Mutual Street, half a block or so from Church and Carlton. The event runs from 9 pm til 3 am. The poster says otherwise, I guess Carrie was just being a bit ambitious! A party of this size is just crazy.

Have a Gay Old Time

As one who has done more than a few Pride festivals, let me fill you in one a few words of advice. There is nothing worse than the “Pride Hangover.” It’s a combination of sun stroke, not drinking enough water and drinking WAY too much beer. Eat a bowl of Pho. before boozin it up instead of scarfing down street meat when that drunken urge hits you to eat something. Sunscreen, while yes can be sticky, really -IS- a necessity. A hat doesn’t need to be dorky, but its best to keep something on your head. Drink LOTS of water and dont feel a bit of shame to dump water on your head to keep you cool. This is especially important if you are heading to the never ending Beer Tent on Church Street. Fellow Queerios, have a safe and fun time. HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE!!!!

words by shona

You already know how to be a degenerite when you get drunk. The silly laughter, the ability to dance better, and have more swagger to impress the grrrls. Until of course you see the unflattering Face Book pics the next day. According to urban word dictionary, a Designated Walker or DW is a person who makes sure you dont get hit by a bad camera angle,  ”runs the risk of projectile vommitting” and gets everyone home safe and sound. For the most part, you are sober, or drink very little. Its the 2011 version of an old adage, the designated driver, reworked.

Why would anyone chose such an endeavor? How many times have you seen a group of pretty drunk people, who really don’t know what they are doing. Throw a “non drunk” into the mix, and stuff makes better sense. If anyone questions why you arent drinking when everyone else is, just say you are the DW. Tell them that next week, its your bff/buddy/best drinking pal who is the DW and you plan to get plastered. Until then you are still going to have a good time despite not being wasted.

Its More fun when you are a Virgin

Just about every cocktail, from an Alabama Slammer to the Oreo Cookie can be made without booze. Just put the word “Virgin” before the name of the drink. Martini and wine glasses evote emotion, just looking at them. Try a Virgin Bellini instead of wine in that seductive wine glass. Cranberry juice splashed with sparkling water shaken, not stirred  into that sexy martini glass. Try saying “I will have Safe Sex on the Beach” with out laughing. The phrase,  ”its a  Bloody Shame that I am not drinking” works great for dudes.

Blow Jobs and Orgasms

When ordering shots, you dont have to be excluded.  This works for any “creamy” shot. Practise makes perfect on a drink like this even if its not virgin. Imagine  being able to say these words “I would like a  ”Virgin Blow Job.” or “Totally Naked Orgasm.”  Translation? Creme/milk to the top of the shot glass, whipped creme  swirling  above.  You can still do it handless, only using your mouth. When everyone else is tipping the shot back,  off the table,  so are you.   You can also be the willing victim of a Body Shot

Rail Shots and Beer.

This is an easy one. Whatever glass is used to serve a mixed drink, tell the barkeep to just put in pop with lots of rocks. Kind of sort of looking like a rum and coke if a person in a dim light is trying to figure out what is whetting your whistle. Saying you are the DW to the sever sometimes gets your drinks for cheap or free. Holding a bottle of  low alcohol beer makes you stick out like a sore thumb. Instead of drinking it out of the bottle just use a tall ale glass and you are good to go. Your bonding with your buddies doesn’t get interrupted. Bonus points as people walking by wont even know you are the DW.

Not drinking is always an option when going out, and not too many people have fun with it.So i say if you are going to do it, do it right and do it in style.

words by shona

So I was browsing Twitter the other day I came across this:

“I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but

its in his ass and belongs to Usher.”

So I know you’re all dying to know who said that…….

MOS DEF.

Now I am assuming this is Mos Def’s actual Twitter account although it is not “verified.” But the account does have more than 80 000 followers…..so lets just assume that yes in fact this is Mos Def’s official twitter account. So lets dive in!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Mos Def. What the heck is going on!!! haha I read it. I laughed. I cried. I showed the Justin Bieber fan sitting next to me in class. They cried. I hugged them. All comes full circle.

Now what is J Biebs reaction going to be when he reads this? Did anyone retweet this comment at him?? They sure should. I mean he’s 17 years old now (his birthday was last week), he must know what gay people are, what interracial sex is and what dicks are right?? So Def’s comment can’t be THAT shocking…

Although, I’m sure Usher is pissed. Biebs is his baby.

Will there be a show down between URSHER and Mos Def?

I always  thought Mos Def was a lot more chill than his twitter account is making him out to be. He takes time to not only diss Biebs and Usher but also Ciara, Rhianna and Perez. Now all of these people are dissable but I just wanna know what’s wrong Defy?? Why are you getting all public and angry? Do you need a huggy ? I just don’t know what to make of this. For me it’s just pure humor. I’m happy he said it as the world was becoming too gentle with the Biebs. Gotta introduce him to the life of a 17 year old.

Now really the one and only dying question that remains is..
If Usher’s dick is in Justin Bieber’s bum, and Justin Bieber’s dick is in Selena Gomezs’s bum…. are her parents upset about this threesome?

I really don’t understand the hatred felt towards Valentine’s day. I thought we were over the whole 1973 celebrating Christmas in October because then it won’t be commercialized anger towards the man schtik. To me Valentine’s is a mid-winter pick me up that gives the world permission to gorge themselves on chocolate, unnecessarily rich food and champagne. Obviously, like any woman, I’d rather be surprised with a bouquet of daisies out of no where, but I try not to expect these things from a boyfriend on a student budget.  Men on the other hand, hate Valentine’s day because not only is it another date to remember but the appropriate gift can be impossible to find. Personally, I set a low budget and gave express instructions: underwear and cheesy chocolates. Guys seem to get the short end of the stick on valentines, if you take the time, nothing says “I love you” like a vintage playboy and a six-pack.

On the other hand men’s underwear have taken a sharp turn thanks to the efforts of Andrew Christian and his built in penis underwear . Check out these, uh, flattering briefs.

If embellishing underwear isn’t your thing or it’s too early on to figure out a gift that doesn’t scream, “Look at me! Notice me! Marry me!” the homemade meal for two is my personal favorite. Not only does it give reason to splurge on lobster, tenderloin, and oysters but it’s cheaper than a night out and cozier too. For Valentine’s I’ve got your basics covered with these two options: A) A sexy brunch in bed preferably served in your skivvies or B) Romantic candlelit dinner on the couch. There’s no need to be too formal or you’ll just end up run ragged with the details. The following menus are perfect for most any occasion where you want to make an impression, not just Valentine’s.

BRUNCH

Brunch is one of my favorite meals because it’s so frivolous. You can eat food from any set “meal category” sweet or savory breakfast, a sandwich, whatever. Valentine’s is a time for indulgence, here’s a menu that manages to satisfy cravings for both sweet and salty. The french toast is insane and if you don’t feel like making caramel sauce it goes perfectly well with both maple syrup and melted chocolate. Make a big pot of coffee or tea, throw a couple flowers or hershy’s kisses on the tray and prepare to be worshiped.

Brunch in Bed Menu

Freshly Squeezed Orange or Grapefruit Juice

French Toast with Salted Caramel Sauce and Creme Fraiche

Brown Sugar Glazed Bacon

Scrambled Eggs/ Eggs Sunnyside Up

DINNER

If you’re going to make a fancy dinner make it rich, rich rich. If you save your pennies for one showstopping ingredient it’s easy to use cheaper staple items to make a spectacular meal. I urge you to try your best to find organic, fairly raised meat and seafood products if not for your health and the environment but for the flavor. The potato risotto included is so delicious and so much easier than the traditional rice-based risotto. The point of this menu is to curl up with a big bottle of cabernet sauvignon and eat together comfortably.

Night In Dinner Menu

Green Salad

Pepper- Crusted Duck Breast/Steak with Stout Pan Sauce

Potato Risotto

Stemaed Green Beans/ Asparagus

Strawberries and chocolate- easy

If all else fails, order a platter of sushi, and pick up some Sapporo and Sake. Sake bombs and sushi all round

The weekend before Valentines Day has some promising events for both singles and couples. Here are some of the top picks. I found a wide range for every taste.

Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair

This fair is back for a fifth year featuring artists, crafters and card makers, just to name a few. The fair runs from noon to 8 on Sat Feb 12 at the Gladstone Hotel, 1214 Queen West. Its the 501 Queen Car that takes you to Dufferin and Queen. Where else can you pick up a “hand knitted hickey hider” or a “vintage light switch plate.”

Toronto artist, Wendy Ding, is one of the featured artists. She is an illustrator who brings her work to the show each year. Pin ups girls, fashion, and food are some of her favourite subjects. She creates her art by using Adobe Photo Shop and Illustrator. It’s very life like and interesting to behold.

He wants to Bite Your Neck

Bram Stokers Dracula ‘ will be presented at Casa Loma. This classic tale of unrequited love runs from Fri Feb 11 to Monday Feb 14th. Tickets are going quite fast. It is a different adaptation than you may never have seen before. From room to room and up and down the stairs, the story will unfold.

If you have not been to 1 Austin Terrace, “Toronto’s own Gothic Mansion” you are in for a real treat. The castle is a very eerie “early 20Th century.” Its spooky enough to invite Ghost Trackers to the site. Take the 127 Davenport from Dupont Station.

Time to Get Your KiNkY oN

Tis that time of the year when the kinky folks amongst us want to play with wild abandon. Luckily for ‘us’ such an event will be held on Fri Feb 11th. Held at 2814 Lake Shore Blvd West, it invites you to become your fantasy. Everything you ever dreamed you wanted to be, you can at Aphrodite’s Feast.

From the classic leather, rubber or lingerie look, to the wild cowboy, nymph or Goddess of Love is welcomed. . Lady Viktoria introduced this idea of an event that is for beginners to advanced players. There are also areas for spanking, relaxation, and ~ahem~ good old fashioned sex. Its just one 501 Long Branch Streetcar away from downtown. Get off at Lake Shore Blvd West and Third Street. Travelling along Queen, it will take about 35 minutes or so. It runs 24/7 so getting there and back will be a breeze.

Anti Valentines Day

Six Degrees, at 2335 Yonge Street is the place to be on Sat Feb 12th. If you are of the opinion, that Valentines Day is not just for couples any more. $19.99 and you are in for a night  of total 19 + fun.   Get there early enough and you can get a free cupcake and Hors D’oeuvres. The website boasts over “400 + professionals” will be in attendance to “mix meet and mingle” O yea … its gonna be a party! Prize give-a-way’s, contests and themed discount drink prices to get you in the spirit of all things ANTI VDAY. Take the Yonge Subway up to Eglington and walk a block and a half north.

“Don’t just feel the pain, spread it around”

Heartbreak Karaoke is back for a 4th year. Apparently singing songs of woe and abandonment are still the rage. There’s a cover, which i guess has become the norm for karaoke these days. It’s $5 to get in if you are wearing red, and $7 if you don’t. Its at the Supermarket in Kensington Market, 268 Augusta  half a block south of College and Augusta.

I have already started to practise a few tunes. Expect to hear me belt something out from Rocky Horror. True, that is a little stereotypical, but you can’t deny the soulful yearnings of a transvestite who just wants a sexy homemade muscle man.Luckily for me, the outfit I am wearing at Aphrodite’s Feast will do just as well for this one.

As for me, I am both for and against Valentines Day. I have been single on this blessed of all lover’s day and it totally sucked. When I am with someone, buying roses and a steak for my sweetie is the least that I can do. Good luck this Feb 14th and hope whatever you do, it was one for the record books.

words by shona

So I thought to dedicate a blog to my straight male peeps. My bro’, literally straighter than a nail was hanging with me over Xmas. We went out on a Thursday night. Looking for something cheap after all that Xmas shopping.

We have three things in common, bro’ and I: sex , vaping and karaoke. We started at Seductions, travelled to Village Vapor. Then found ourselves in karaoke wonderland at the Fox and Fiddle.

Walmart of Sex Stores
.

.
Our first stop was Seductions at 577 Yonge Street. The sex part was  easy. He’s newly single was looking to find a way to relieve the possibility of winter boredom.

The really helpful salesman on the lower level, talked straight about a “pocket pussy.” Club Jenna by Doc Johnson has come up with a good product for a great price made from UR3. “UR3 material is life-like, latex free, and hygienically safe. So you can use it over and over again.” Its kind of weird looking, but according to the sales person it was a good choice. At $25.99 its cheaper than a date gone wrong.

.
BYOP (bring your own pot.).

.

.
Village Vapor Lounge is on the third floor at 66 Wellesley. Its like stepping into someones living room and is very intimate. Its also, very str8 friendly. So friendly in fact that bro’ got hit on by a handsome gay dude. That didn’t matter much to him as he kept looking at the eye candy. It was a nice mixed crowd of happy queers and cute str8′s.

THE BATHROOM DOOR AT VILLAGE VAPOR. SEE? ANYONE CAN JOIN THE FUN!

It is a BYOP(bring your own pot) just as every other vaping place in Toronto. if you have never heard of such a place, then take a look at this . it will explain everything. If you are a feather light weight like me,you may find this place a little less schmoky than some of the bigger pot cafe’s in Toronto. They will happily turn on a fan if it gets too much.

$5 to get in with no alcohol or smoking in the cafe. They have some munchies for purchase and free acess to the vaporisers.

Ready to get Your Karaoke ON?

Bernie Gold, Dj and karaoke host veteran brought amazing sound to the dining room at Fox and Fiddle. By midnight. over 25 singers were in the rotation. Despite this, the pace of the show was kept at a good balance of karaoke to DJ dance music.
.

.

His sound is impeccable to how its loud your ears don’t hurt when u leave the room. A sexy vibe comes from mixed crowd of giggling and laughing people. The opening song was “Hot Toddy” sung by a white guy.

There are two sides of the Fox and Fiddle Pub at 27 Wellesly Street East. The second is a classic style bar. You can hear the karaoke music so if you dont want to join the crowd, you can snuggle in there. Quick Tip though, if you are hoping for a second song, get there earlier than 10. The show runs to 2 am. Then remember your spot in rotation so you can hear your name being called regardless of where you may be in the pub.

.

.
At the end of the night bro’ looks at me and says he’s not had fun like that in some time. its certainly was a better way to spend a thursday then staying in and being bored.
.

.

words by shona

During a recent conversation with one of my most favourite people, the subject of ideal jump off behaviour was raised. Not rules per se, because the nature of the jump off relationship kind of precludes the right to tell people what to do, but more of a voluntary code of conduct that jump offs who are serious about their craft would adhere to. I looked around and it seemed no such thing exists, so as usual I have to come to save the day with the international Jump Off Code of Conduct. This applies to both genders (yes men you can be jump offs too) and should be

1. Sleeping arrangements

Unless expressly invited to do so, you must not ever attempt to sleep over. You are entitled to 30 minutes of post-coital rest before you must get up and get the eff out my house (especially long or especially acrobatic performances may be awarded 60 minutes of rest). An attempt to extend this post-coital rest period without the proper authorization is an actionable offense punishable by a kick in the seeds suspension of thronx privileges.

2. Be happy

At no point should I ever have to witness the effects of any of the stressors in your life. If we are not in a relationship, your work, life, family, and health problems are of little interest to me. Please do not arrive at my house in a bad mood or attempt to fill me in on the latest argument you’ve had with your child’s mother or father. Your sole purpose in my life is to oil my parts and your petty travails will only dry them up. Please paste a smile on your face or get the fcuk out.

3. Come prepared

Although I own and may provide if I’m feeling generous items such as lube, butt plugs, condoms, cock rings, and sex toys, please make sure you are fully stocked in the items you need to facilitate your own enjoyment. As none of the above-mentioned items are free, I’m disinclined to waste them on a mere jump off and would likely prefer to save them for someone a little higher on the evolutionary scale than you.

4. Bring the dirty

Again, your whole purpose as it relates to my life is to get my rocks off. And while softly caressing my face while staring lovingly into my eyes is a beautiful idea in theory, I didn’t ask you for all that. If you’re not talking a little bit of dirty or getting at least a little bit rowdy then you have failed at your task. I can have gentle, quiet sex with someone who actually means something to me. You’re supposed to give me the stuff my main piece won’t.

5. Respect my home

If you are lucky enough to be allowed into the bat cave, please try to have some behaviour during your stay. Do not come in my home and rearrange shit, change the channel on my television, or critique the songs on my playlist. And under no circumstances should you be washing any of your below-the-waist parts in my sink. Warm towels will be provided after the act of coitus is complete; any additional cleanup required is your problem.

6. Stay in your lane

As my jump off, you play a very special role in my life. It’s key to my sanity and sunny disposition. It’s so important that I do not want you to step outside of it for one instant and would really appreciate it if you did not attempt to do so. Therefore do not try to be seen in public with me, or ask me to accompany you to gatherings of your friends or family. Under absolutely no circumstances will we hold hands. In addition, please do not attempt to ingratiate yourself by asking questions about my life other than where do you want it, how do you want it, is that good or can I do it again. By the same token, please also do not try to “help” me by offering opinions about my life. If your opinion mattered to me at all you probably would not be on jump off status.

I really think that if all jump offs just adhered to these guidelines everyone’s sex life would be a better place.

What do you guys think? What behaviour will you not accept from your casual sex partners? Speak on it in the comments.

Going the Distance is a tale about a couple that never really got started until after they were separated. Erin and Garrett have a blissful 6 weeks together, both knowing that it’s not going to last because she has to go back to San Fransisco, while he’s stuck in New York City for work. But, of course, after the 6 weeks are up, neither of them wants to split, and so commences the texting, sexting and phone sex!

The Good:

This movie has potential, only if you LIKE romantic comedies, otherwise, it blew, and boy, did it blow hard.

The Bad:

I love Drew Barrymore and Charlie Day (my beloved), but this film was a total stinker from start to finish. I expected far more from Drew, having done Whip It and Grey Gardens
in the last year or so, and having reclaimed her dignity since that OTHER poopfest, He’s Just Not That Into You (Now she’s going to have to start ALL over again. Sheesh!). And Charlie, well, he could have done a must better job choosing his first really commercial movie role.

The plot was completely predictable (surprise, surprise.) and tried to conceal it’s most unrestrained boring-ness through attempted edginess. Yawn. I can honestly say that I didn’t really like this movie at all, and although it had potential and I DO like Drew and Charlie, it just didn’t pull off any of my expectations. I’d say if you tend to be into the whole rom-com thing, then you might think it’s cute, but if you only like GOOD romantic comedies, stay away. Stay far, far away.

Overall, I’d give the movie 2/5, mostly because I’ve disliked other movies far more than this one (I’m lookin’ at YOU, Eclipse) but you’ve been warned, folks!