It is a sad but true fact that into every woman’s life a little infestation must fall. For us gals, the existence of pests is as ubiquitous as a trip to the feminine care aisle at Shopper’s and every bit as unpleasant.

These pests come in many forms – an ex who just needs one more chance, a completely unsuitable man we gave some to in a moment of weakness, or a poor sap whose only crime is residing on the wrong rung of the ladder.

Whoever he is, a pest can make a woman’s life a living hell. On the surface he seems like a great guy – he’ll call you just to see how you are, he’ll bring you Tim Horton’s when you’re having a late-night craving, and he is ready and willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. Problem is he’s calling you while you’re staring at the phone willing the guy you really want to call you. He wants to stay – and will try to bone – after he’s dropped off your Tim’s. And while he might bring you flowers when he picks you up for your Valentine’s date, he’ll spend the whole evening staring at you with this pathetic hangdog look that makes you just want to slap the sh*t out of him.

So what’s a girl to do with a pest? Word on the street is a woman has three choices:

1. Ignore him

A lot of women say that this just feels wrong. It’s mean to ignore people, isn’t it? But are they really that nice? Or are their heads being gassed up by all this attention? I think you know the answer to that.

2. Tell him the truth.

It might be mean, but nothing says go away like a text message saying “You’re annoying and I will never, ever want you. Ever.”

3. Grit your teeth and tolerate your pest until he loses interest and finds someone else to harass love.

Unfortunately, your pest will most likely misinterpret your gritted-teeth tolerance as encouragement. This man is clueless and he lacks the natural filter that distinguishes politeness from vibes.

So I ask the question again – what’s a girl to do?

A couple of months ago I took the question to the streets i.e. Twitter and Facebook. I asked the ladies “How do you deal with a man who’s a pest and won’t leave you alone?” The answers were pretty evenly divided between ignore, tell him to buzz off, and grit your teeth and bear it. So I took it to the men to see if they had anything illuminating to add.  They all said they would tell a pest to go away. Me? I have a different tactic: fall in love with your pest.

I know you’re thinking I’m crazy right now, so let me school you. It is a fundamental fact of dating life that a man wants that which he cannot have. Men get off on the douleur exquise and no one more so than a pest. So why not remove the thrill and faux-fall in love? It’s quick, it’s dirty, it does the job every time. If your pest is blowing up your phone, just pick it up, act thrilled to hear from him, and launch into an ultra-excited diatribe about your day. Make sure you drag it out until his phone battery dies. Pester your pest about his schedule and try to fill every empty window of his time. And instead of ignoring his eyes when he stares at you with desperate wanting, gaze lovingly at him every chance you get.

In other words, give your pest a taste of his own medicine. It works every time.

1. Don’t talk about your ex (or any other dude for that matter)
Ever been on a date or had a conversation with a dude that was going really well and then all of a sudden he shut down? And you spent the rest of your life wondering what the eff happened to change the mood so drastically? Well get ready to fall in love with me because I’m about to give you the answer: you said something that set old dude’s alarm bells off.
See one of the most maddening things about men is that they draw all kinds of  dumb weird inferences from what we say and 99% of the time they don’t tell you about it. So we have no idea that the completely innocent ex-reference we so blithely threw in over dinner has your man thinking you’re not over your ex and that one day he’ll walk in on the two of you 69-ing in the bathroom or something and his little heart will be broken. So rather than a) taking the time to find out if in fact you are still in love with your ex or recognize him for the douche he truly is or b) being a man and getting over himself, he’ll shut down and cross you off his list in favour of some chick whose ex lives in Siberia or some shit. It’s dumb but…you know what I they say: men are dumb.

2. Don’t look like you didn’t try. Or like you tried too hard
We all know that the most important thing on a first date is wardrobe. The key here is that you want to look so amazingly hot that he wants to jump across the table and f*ck your brains out, but at the same time you don’t want it to be obvious that you’ve just spent your rent money on the shoes you’re wearing.

3. Don’t do the reach for the cheque unless you mean it
I’ve been burned by this one before. Dinner ends, the cheque comes, and in an effort to show how cool and liberated you are you reach for your wallet to shell out your share. You set your bills on the table, smiling in the anticipation of the points you’re about to be awarded when he returns your money and insists on paying himself but instead….he just takes it and thanks you.
I’ve never known a woman not to come back from an experience like this pissed as all hell. As anyone who gets burned by the reach knows, it’s a gesture! He’s not supposed to take you up on it. But some guys do and if you’re not comfortable with the possibility of setting yourself into “I have to walk to work until next payday because I just coughed up my subway fare” zone. And now you’re salty and somewhere in the back of his mind he’s happy that he got a free dinner.

4. Don’t have sex…or not
A first date is just like any other dating situation in that you shouldn’t be doing anything you won’t do. The days where a girl who gave up the ass on the first date was shunned and labeled a hoor are long gone so if you want to throw caution to the wind and legs to the air, have at it. On the other hand, if you’re just not comfortable giving up the goodies the first night, don’t do that either.

5. Don’t bring the dirty
As you may have noticed, I have a bit of a smutty mouth. But I leave it at home on a first date. Not just because it’s not very ladylike (although it isn’t) but because it’s been my experience that while men thoroughly enjoy women who use all the bad words, they tend not to make them their girlfriends. They make them their buddies and tell them stories of all the other girls they bang. And we don’t want that do we?

6. Don’t be rude

No matter how bad the date is, no matter how disastrously homely the dude is, please do not be rude. It’s unkind and unnecessary and most of all – it’s bad karma. Plus you never know where you might run into old boy again; last week’s date from hell may just end up being your next boss so don’t burn the bridge.

7. Don’t not eat
I don’t know if they still make the kind of women who want to appear more feminine by not eating a thing at dinner, but if you are one of these girls, please pick up the nearest sharp object and poke yourself with it. If you have a legitimate reason for not eating that’s okay, but if it’s to make the dude like you better you have a problem.

8. Don’t overshare

Yes a first date is about getting to know each other, but baby steps please ladies. He doesn’t need to know about your polycystic ovarian syndrome that makes your periods irregular. Nor is the abortion you had after a drunken night with the bartender at the Drake any of his concern. Keep it light please. Unless you want him to run away screaming.

9. Don’t be fake
I don’t really need to say any more than that, do I?

10. Don’t stress! It’s supposed to be fun.
The number one gauge of the success or failure of your first date should be whether you had fun. Everything else will either work itself out or not so there’s no need to stress over whether you’ve said, done, or wore the wrong thing. Expect nothing more than to have a pleasant time and you’ll be laughing afterward. Literally.
Now go out and have great first dates my ladies!

You can find more tips on all kinds of things useful and useless over at Max-Logic.com

The Pleasure Palace, once known as the “Pussy Palace” is an institution where trans folk and women enjoy a uniquely erotic event. You can tell that the bath house is coming up when you start seeing Craigslist postings in women for women; questions asking where it is, who’s going and when it will be. Trust me this is only the beginning.

I have volunteered at the bath house for a few years now, I started out as a mere towel girl, and over time came to my current position as a full fledged security guard. This blog is my take on what you need to know. If this is going to be your first time at a bath house be forewarned. Horny  is going to happen and it’s best to be some what prepared.

First off, it isn’t just about water. The bath house has a bunch different rooms and erotic activities to try out. An erotic massage, followed by a visit to the lap dance room, or seeing a  Domina with a sub are just some of the pleasures. The dungeon room is full of kinky things to check out. Enjoy a relaxing soak in the hot tub, watch others have sex, and getting your own sexy ON in the porn room are are some of the other activities.

The actual bath house space, is a maze of lights, sounds and experiences,  and sex isn’t the only thing that goes on.  Recognizing someone you know at the bath house can start the most unique conversations or the most awkward.  You will hear whispers in the hallways that match the screams of pure pleasure from the rooms around you. Trans folk and women  from all walks of  sexual orientation and gender variation experience this event in their own unique way.

Attraction (despite the environment of sexual  sights such as seeing a perfect trio of  lesbians making out  in a shower) is still part of the equation. Just being there, is a sexual romp. Go in with an open mind but don’t go in with expectations of being in a wild orgy in the swing room. Women and trans folk of all sizes, ages, colours and definitions of individuality are in the same boat you are in, wondering  “Am I attractive, to someone”?

Relax.  Yes, the air is moist with sweet sweat from a transman’s ass proudly wearing  leather chaps, but a bath house is also a great place to feel zen.  Look for a place where you can just observe whats going on around you. Get a lay of the land, part of being a voyeur is creating sexual energy.  A  transwoman,  lucid with music being spun by a DJ, is feeling the same sexual energy that you may be feeling as you watch her dance.

For more info on the current Pleasure Palace event, email the Pleasure Palace right here. We have been lucky in Toronto, in that we can experience this “not so vanilla” treat more than once a year. Its run by a dedicated team of volunteers.

The Oasis Aqualounge at 231 Mutual Street is the usual location for the Pleasure Palace. Wet Wednesdays , the last Wednesday of each month is a separate event that the Oasis offers our community.

This is your bath house experience. Regardless if you are on your own, or with a group of friends, or even a partner. You have a right to own what happens in those very steamy walls.

Plot Synopsis:
Following the death of their son, a married couple go on a trip to ‘Eden,’ their cabin in the woods, but the wife finds it just a bit too hard to cope with the pain.

Genre:
Drama/Horror

Starring:
Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe

Director:
Lars Von Trier

Review:
Every once and awhile, a movie comes along that rekindles my love with cinema and in today’s word of recycled film, it’s nice to see something as original as this.

I loved this movie. Two words: genital mutilation. When I think back to when it premiered at Cannes, I remember reading about how audiences were leaving the theater due to it’s graphic nature, and laughing. I tend to not get disgusted by these types of things, but I will admit that Antichrist did leave me a bit… discomposed?

Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg are two of my favourite actors, for obvious reasons. They’re both outrageously talented and the fact that Lars Von Trier casted the two of them in this movie made my 2009 movie year that much brighter. The cinematography was fabulous, the score was perfect for the film, the script was perfect; I honestly couldn’t find one flaw in it, personally.

I will say that, for the faint of heart, this movie might not be for you. It’s very graphic, so when I say genital mutilation, I mean genital mutilation; male and female. It’s also very philosophical and has a heavy storyline, so not something you’d want to watch at your best friend’s birthday party or something, unless you’re the artsy-type perhaps? Oh, and feminists, beware! It does have a slightly mysogonistic undertone.

Anyway, I give this film two big thumbs up! Enjoy!

Where to see it?
It’s currently available on DVD, although I wasn’t able to find it on Canadian Amazon. Here it is on the American one.

Watch the trailer here.

Pop quiz: You’re a young lady, at a hotel party, enjoying some beers. Ron Jeremy saunters up to you, grey-black mane dangling like a greasy mop at his shoulders…he caresses your little hand between his two beefy paws and requests, like a gentleman, if he can go down on you. What do you say? TOO LATE. He already made you explode like a chinese water fountain. Just from being there. Just with those two stoney eyes locked into your own, in those two seconds between “Hello” and “I’m Ron.”

How does he do it? Men have always wondered how this super-average guy managed to get a Guinness World Record for doing the most porn stars, ever. It’s a mystery. Correction. It used to be. But I discovered the secret.

And that’s about the best – or only –  insight I got out of the Hedgehog, during the worst interview I ever did. It’s not all my fault though – one of the guys at Street Carnage, this guy,  fucked me and told me to ask Ron about the concept of ‘the Other’…and to tell him some guy said hi. Which I did. I didn’t realize it was all part of some elaborate plot to make me look like an idiot.

The only thing you’ll find interesting is at the end, when Ron gives away that secret to making girls explode in two seconds without taking their pants off.

I just want to say: Ron Jeremy was an alright guy. He played the harmonica really, really well, and he was insanely horny all night long. Which is crazy because you’d think he’d be sick of it by now.

I am Jeoh Zhere, Queer Karaokier, and on on a quest for a Queer Idol win. This week, I am exploring the voice coach, and how a good one can make ll the difference.

My karaoke dude, is Stephen Chadderton. He recommended, taking a look at the advertisers on Craigslist and Now magazine to find a good coach.

His religious organisation, the Karaoke Cult takes place, every Tuesday between 10 and 2 at Neu+ral. I always find inspiration. His books have punk and roll, obscure stuff you would never think to hear on karaoke, the dude has it all … it’s a great place to kick back and sing anything that you may want to.

Neu+ral, actually is, one of the best type of places to hear LOUD music. and when i say loud …? let me put it to you this way, The bass of the rock and roll out sounds the music from a bar on College. Neu+ral’s on Augusta.

This is a picture I snapped inside Neu+ral. I just couldn’t resist the green light shadow on the wall.

Its a basement. so, a person can sit there and mobile browse for hours, singing, listening, and hearing everything from screaming and swearing, to musical theatre about jesus.

You would not believe who shows up there. Just look at their Face Book You will see artists, musicians, actors, and people with huge smiles on their faces, just because they are at The Cult.

I browsed through Steve’s catalog, looking at all the songs I loved to sing. “Walk this Way,” “Otherside”, “Blowin High Dough” are awesome songs that are fun to perform.

So I, clicked in and browsed on my mobile browser to discover, Craigslist and Now Toronto online.

Craigslist while notable for selling everything from sex to shoes, also has an interesting services directory. The ads are listed in date order, but their content can be questionable. Donna Flynn’s advert impressed me the most. Her content was professional, not cheesy.

NOW magazine approach to online classified is similar to Craigslist, but seems to be more organised, and less chaotic. Sometimes, that’s a good thing. So, I was not surprised to see Donna on that site as well. Quoting Donna’s Now Advert, “(she) offers an honest and realistic view on where your voice is currently.”

Over on Craigslist she discussing her prices. Her lessons are in two parts, “A Vocal Assessment is $90.00 and the CD is $25.00 for a total of $115.00″ Her web site has video tutorials, which I found quite intriguing.

When I spoke to her on the phone, I found her quite accommodating. She was professional, and really helped me with how to focus my voice. Scales, WhOa’s and MAH’s were sung. Breathing technique, clearly taught.

I left her session really feeling a different way about my singing, realizing that I do love singing rock and roll. But, I can’t sing classic rock and roll, for a one minute acapella piece, even if I thought that was a good idea. I really did have to stick to a classic ballad to impress a judging panel.

I am heading back to the cult with this armed knowledge. As karaoke is my one place to practice for Queer Idol, I will be singing a Patsy Cline tune, in a bar, where you will hear Siouxie and the Banshees performed by an improv actor on their way home from being on a stage all night, to being on the Cult’s stage … way WAY more than a country song.

Next BLOG?!?!?!? did I get past round one? or is it back to The Karaoke Cult, and voice lessons! Click in Oct 21 for my tell ALL of the goings on in front, and back, of the curtains at Queer Idol.

Oct 16, Queer Idol. 120 church street, Goodhandy’s.

We’ve had the newest Cure album in our sweaty palms since last week. We’ve been listening to it on repeat, struggling towards the sweet highschool angst that only Robert Smith can rouse in us. 4:13 Dream is no Head On The Door, but it’s not rubbish either, after all, it’s still a Cure album, which means it’s just liek sex: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

“Only One” reminds us of “Just Like Heave” from the album Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me.

“Reasons Why” is straight off the Wish album (one of our personal favourites) and “Sirensong” is so Head On The Door, that we almost fell in love again. But there’s something missing. There’s a mark missed somehow. Is it possible that we have outgrown the Cure? It hurts a little to see it in plain black and white, like a heart wrenching breakup with someone who admits softly that you are just “not the one” before tearing up and leaving you forever.

It was Disintegration that first grabbed us in 1989.

By the time we entered the mine-field that is high-school, we acted tough and all Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre’s The Chronic by day, but at home we were listening Wish like it was saving our souls! “Apart”, “Trust”, oh God, “Letter To Elise”. We romanticized departing from the earth and leaving only a cryptic note made solely from Robert Smith’s lyrics that our parents would churn over for weeks, unable to handle the grief, trying to “understand” us while listening to the album on repeat.

It was all there: the torture, the love, the passion bursting from the speakers. This was the feeling we were searching for in the people around us. That some pimply boy would kiss us and we’d burst into a million stars. Fat chance.

Enter University and Galore, a sort of greatest hits. We got morose. We got down. We got up. We experimented again. More drugs, more sex, sleep deprivation, food deprivation, shooters, and a Cure CD played on a Discman till it actually broke in half. We wanted to grow up, were scared to grow up, were scurrying to the finish line, were barely making ends meat, were restless, restless, restless.

And there was Robert Smith all “Why Can’t I Be You”, “Fascination Street” and “Strange Attraction”, like he pulled the lyrics from your life.

But then it faded away.

There was a time we thought we couldn’t survive without the Cure, but now we only listen once in a while, and usually by accident. 4:13 Dream is not bad, you can put it on a press play and enjoy it right through, which is harder to come by these days than a high school virgin, but it doesn’t reach in and tear out our pathetic beating heart like when we were kids.

And maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s someone else’s turn.

We will never forget you, and I hope we can still be friends.